so i had this pretty snazzy blog post all typed up.
full of advice and experience-laden words of wisdom.
about discovering your true essence
(the primary aim of my business),
and also about the dangers of self-sabotage.
i still think the information is helpful.
and i’ll probably revisit the topic soon.
but this week it was sounding a bit stiff, a bit forced,
not exactly what i wanted to say.
certainly not what I was feeling.
because, you see, what i am currently feeling is fear.
yes, fear.
raw and real.
lately it’s been creeping in to visit.
mild some days, bone-chilling the next.
and i thought perhaps some of you (probably most of you)
could relate to this very human emotion.
because, you see, fear affects us all.
at some point or another.
accurate or embellished.
yes, fear.
raw and real.
i was flipping through a magazine that came in the mail,
when my attention was caught by a list of symptoms,
warning of a serious illness.
physical symptoms i could match, could actually check off,
but have been trying to ignore.
i quickly stitched together a neat little google diagnosis,
and my imagination was off, instilling the horror
it’s so good at creating.
of course, i don’t actually want to find out if i’m correct.
so i put off calling the clinic, scheduling the exam.
i think because i recently guided my dad through a cancer scare
(which thankfully turned out negative in the end).
but our roles remain reversed as i now reassure him
through the newness of a congestive heart failure tag.
yes, fear.
raw and real.
i’m moving to another country in september.
extreme excitement, amazing allure.
but also untold unknowns.
trying to communicate in a foreign language,
made even more difficult due to a hearing loss
i am reluctant to admit.
saying goodbye to my two sons while
saying hello to an all-at-once empty nest (four to two).
all of this conjuring up a sad image of loneliness.
yes, fear.
raw and real.
and here i am, left to make sense
of all of these things which frighten me.
what is the answer?
where do i begin?
well, just as i approach everything else,
and encourage my clients to do the same,
i know that i will eventually
face my fears.
i’ll make my doctor’s appointment.
i’ll continue researching my dad’s condition.
i’ll keep studying my rosetta stone.
i’ll plan my sons’ first visit to our new home.
and life will go on.
with its laundry and dishes,
with its conflict and humor.
with its stimulating work and relaxing play.
with its words and images and sun and moon.
yes, fear.
raw and real.
*******
“only the dreamer knows the dream.”
~carl jung
from a small mining town in northern idaho,
to an italian village tucked away in tuscany.
i live by my 7 essential elements.
wholeness and integration.
freedom and light.
is it time to experience your own dreams?
stay tuned for details about my new e-course.
coming this april.
open to all women.
i’ll share the personal philosophy that has been my driving force.
because it is your time.
*******
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Sending you waves of courage as you navigate the terrain of the unknown along with the exhilaration of all that’s ahead of you, April. Sometimes I am very thankful for ‘Google University’ and the wealth of knowledge at our fingertips. Other times? Not so much. Holding you tenderly here.
April, thank you for being so honest here. So raw and real. Fear …. it is something that we can all relate to if we are honest with ourselves. Fear… sometimes I notice it and question it and play with it… sometimes it debilitates me. But fear never wins because we move out of it eventually, by taking action or brining ourselves back to this moment. I am experiencing a lot of raw and very real fear lately… working on it. Blessings.
April, I so love that you share your fear, raw and real. It brings your warmth, talents and skills closer to us. I know I can relate!!! I once read that fear is excitement without breath…I remind myself to breathe deep when I feel fear. I wish you calm and wonderment as you prepare to live in Tuscany and embark on this new chapter in your life. I so share your loneliness about your sons leaving home. Yes they come to visit…and actually they may stay longer now you’ll have the awesome digs in Italy!! I know I would come visit…lol. I applaud you for feeling your fear and welcoming it on your blog, honoring it and making friends with it, so to speak, so it dissipates. Blessings, so love getting to glimpse your journey.
I love the authenticity of this week’s post, April. It’s so true and accurate and could be any one of our stories. I love that you metaphorically shrug you shoulders knowing that you will face your fears, but right now you are just in the “raw fear” stage. It’s comforting to have this experience articulated so accurately. Thank you for that! <3 (Healing vibes headed your way)
It seems healthy to recognize and verbalize our fears! Good job!
Thank you for opening up the permission for all of us to acknowledge and face our fears. My own roller coaster ride is about to start – some I foresee with a move to a new city, and some that will undoubtedly come out of nowhere, such is life with children and aging parents and well, life. I have a statement posted by my computer: Use fear as a tool. Perhaps it’s time to learn how to do just that.
Holding your hand as you get through the appointments and research and plans…
April,
I encourage your to go back and rewrite the article on self-sabotage. Not that I need it or anything. 😉
O.k.! Yes, I need it! And I would LOVE to hear your beautiful, poetic voice on the topic. 🙂
What helps me the most when I am bogged down by fear is to focus on a kinder, gentler f-word: FAITH.
Sending you much love as you navigate through this season of transitions. xo
April Thank you for sharing I often feel that raw fear but would not be able to verbalize it so beautifully. I wish you an easy move & adjustment. I too moved from my children & have had days of raw pain always coming out the otherside by having visits to look forward too.
Thank you for raw and honest post. It’s amazing how fear can block and limit us but also on occasions serve us too. Like one commentator said above, fear can be a tool. 2015 was a year where I experienced a great deal of fear that didn’t serve me well at all but now I’m coming through the other side of that. I wish you well in your future endeavours.