a very personal post for me today.
i’ll try to form a coherent story,
as i make sense of my scribbled thoughts.
the words are difficult to write.
~~~~~~~
one month ago i was challenged
by someone i greatly respect.
who said perhaps i didn’t always
walk my talk.
the talk i promote here on my blog,
and with my clients.
at first i felt flawed.
cut to the core.
like a fraud.
my feelings were hurt.
you know that emotional pain
that you physically experience in your heart?
that leaves no visible mark,
but feels like a punch nonetheless?
white bruises of the soul.
defense mechanisms kicked in.
when i’m hurt i can become sarcastic.
and caustic remarks sometimes slip from my mouth.
a way to protect myself i guess.
but also a way to cause more damage,
and set more hurt in motion.
i was reigning in my bitterness.
rather than reining it in.
clearly not a shining moment for me.
~~~~~~~
later i realized it had all been my choice.
what?
CHOOSE to hurt my own feelings?
yes and no.
yes, i did have the power within me
to respond differently.
“what you THINK about what someone says is what causes your feelings. YOU hurt your feelings each and every time.” (brooke castillo)
no, i didn’t want to feel hurt.
it’s easy to do though.
a conditioned, habitual way to react.
always an effort to restructure replies.
especially when feeling vulnerable.
since then i’ve had some time to analyze what was said.
bottom line?
i still have work to do.
integrating the irrational side of my existence
with what i know to be true.
it takes conscious deliberate action,
constant mental reframing.
changing immediate reactions
to more appropriate responses.
obviously i know what to do.
i’m trained as a counselor and a coach.
but as any human can attest,
sometimes the motivation
or the wherewithal
simply isn’t there to actually do it.
we falter.
we stumble.
we fall short of others’ expectations.
and our own.
but we’ve got to keep trying.
keep getting up.
keep striving to be the best we can be.
so even though i’m not consistently at my finest,
i have an ideal i believe in.
that i’m aiming for.
often i don’t reach that standard.
but i keep trying to better myself,
to improve to a level i can be proud of.
perfect?
hardly.
always on my journey of discovery.
~~~~~~~
my assignment:
- to reassess, reevaluate, reexamine my motives
- to understand that growth is never-ending, if i remain open
- to recognize and appreciate my own individual values
- to align with my true convictions and act accordingly
- to safeguard my authentic self in the process
here is a little diagram that i drew for myself
(in all its crude homemade glory):
celebrate the incentive to pick yourself back up.
allow your self-inflicted white bruises to heal.
start again.
it’s what defines the road to progress.
never a smooth straightaway,
but you become a more experienced driver all the time.
“fall seven times. stand up eight.” (japanese proverb)
anyone else ever struggle with similar issues?
with integrating who you’d like to be
(or who you think you already are)
with how you’re actually behaving?
are you willing to share your own inner conflicts?
what lessons have you learned?
Last Sunday in church our pastor challenged the congregation to examine how we use words, to really think about the way we project ourselves to others. He said many times we, as humans, project thoughts and feelings as words onto other people in a what we “sell” as pragmatic behavior. But in reality we are really being condescending or patronizing. We have all experienced this and it is easier to recognize when others do it to us. Like when you were told “you don’t really walk the talk”. Was the presenter being pragmatic or were they really being patronizing? Can we recognize it when WE are condescending?
The pastor then challenged us to think about what it is like to live opposite of ourselves? How do we treat others, how do we treat ourselves? How do we come off to others? What do we look like from the view point of our spouses, children, friends? Do we walk the talk? He challenged us to ask one or two trusted people in our life what it is like to live opposite of ourselves.
What a challenge! It is 4 days later and I haven’t accepted the second challenge but I have thought a lot about the first. I am still so bruised by the words and actions of my boss that I am sure I have been projecting patronizing behavior as a coping mechanism. Yes, I suppose what “I THINK about what someone says is what causes my feelings. I hurt my own feelings each and every time.” But it is still a punch in the gut and it takes time to heal. I feel attacked and I want to roll up in a ball to protect myself. Actually, I want to run. I want to run and get the hell out of Dodge! I guess I still have work to do too. 🙂
Reminds me of a childhood chant: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I am rubber you are glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you!!
“But it is still a punch in the gut and it takes time to heal.” yes, sheila – such true words. yet you really can “protect yourself” through your thinking. you can realize that your boss’s words and actions are his thinking, not your own. you can resolve to tell yourself what you know to be true, about your work and your character. you can leave the situation, if it is not a healthy environment for you. YOU decide. and that childhood chant may have held a valuable lesson for all of us! thanks so much for sharing.
Totally, April. I’m actually in the middle of writing a post about expressing gratitude when I don’t feel like it. I mention that I’ve been feeling really pissy this week and I don’t want to feel grateful. I’m choosing to. But I don’t want to. I’m really glad that you shared about being on a journey . . . about learning and moving toward what/who you want to be . . . about not being perfect. We absolutely aren’t perfect . . . and don’t need to be (even if we’re teachers and coaches). Beautiful post.
thank you, leanne – and yes, definitely an ongoing journey we are on. no one is perfect, no one should try to be. just keep improving, keep growing each day. (and what a wonderful way to do that, by CHOOSING to express gratitude.)
Thank you for the reminder that no one is above feeling like a fraud. As I have my own struggles I continue to write my blog but sometimes question whether I have the right to do so, to dispense information because I am not all healed.
Your image makes me remember that the path is rocky and long and unending, but those aren’t bad things…just life and its processes unfolding along the way.
Your insights and vulnerability are heard and appreciated.
we all second-guess ourselves, luci. it’s human nature to do so. and, deep down, i don’t think we really want to see perfection (although we tend to seek beauty). we want to know that we can be okay too. that someone else has struggled, but kept going and pushed through. thank you so much for commenting.
Wow, April – thank you so much for your honesty.
I’ve been writing a lot about authenticity lately, and I know that I’m becoming more authentic in terms of the “Me” I show to my business friends and clients. But I also know I’m not all the way there yet: there are still aspects of myself that I’m not comfortable showing the world.
So in some ways, that makes me feel like a fraud – as though if I’m showing up with anything less than 100% total authenticity in every situation, I’m somehow not walking my own talk.
But another aspect of my truth is that becoming truly authentic is a process – a journey. It’s OK that I’m not 100% there yet – it’s OK for me to take things a step at a time – as long as I’m moving in the right direction.
At least… that’s what I want to keep telling myself.
Also? I love that you’ve quoted my favourite saying (“Fall down seven times, stand up eight”) in this post – it’s actually the title of my most recent blog post – how’s that for synchronicity?
Blessings
TANJA
interesting that our inspirations were on the same wavelength this week, tanja! yes, definitely synchronicity. i appreciate so much that you told your story here. it is always a fine line – how much to reveal to the world and what to hold close. but i always feel better the more authentic and even vulnerable i am. it’s such a relief to say “hey this life is hard!” and have others identify with and confirm that feeling. and it’s a way to move forward as well. i was there, now i’m here.
This is beautiful, April.
I love the diagram of the path to growth. One of the things that your post brought to mind for me was something in ‘Dancing the Dream’ by Jamie Sams, when she describes ‘enlightenment traps.’ It’s easy sometimes to feel we’ve made it somewhere because we’re so far ahead of where we were, but the trap is that we’re never ‘done.’ It’s a constant growth process, and if we feel we’ve made it, we’ve simply reached a plateau for the moment. It really shifted my perspective to a more humble one, realising that it’s okay to fall down, to feel crappy some days, and even to fall into these traps – they’re there to teach us how to get back up.
Every experience is an opportunity for growth. See you on that crooked path!
thank you for your kind words, jenny! i’ve used some form of my “path to growth” diagram with most of my clients. no work of art, but it definitely gets the message across. i will have to take a look at “dancing the dream” – sounds like something i would enjoy. you’re right – it is a constant growth process. but it’s exhilarating and interesting too. and i look forward to seeing you on the path! 🙂
I am also a trained counsellor and I believe it is a journey not a destination.
All parts of ourselves have something to teach us and need gentleness and cimoassiin. Embrace imperfection, perfectionism is not the goal, love is.
beautifully stated, tanya!
Very beautifully said! I have growing pains all the time and I am 52!
ha ha, frances – i know that feeling (just a couple years behind you!).
Wow, this really resonates with me right now April as I move through some crooked lines myself right now……..and I love your drawing…..journaling and drawing always seems to help me get back to center…….and I agree with always being on a journey of discovery…..that’s why I speak about Beginner’s Mind with my clients, in my programs and as a reminder for myself :). Thank you for sharing this……….
so glad to hear this was relevant for you, gina. those crooked lines are often in our way, aren’t they? i really consider journaling to be my lifeline – it’s taken me through many bumpy spots on my journey.
It’s never a straight line, is it? I see my path, over and over, more as a spiral. Forward, backward, circling back around…
Lessons learned and relearned.
Thanks for sharing your tender heart with me.
Love and love!
Sue
thanks for sharing, sue. i like the image of a spiral, circling back around. and great point about RElearning some of those lessons!
I agree and love the diagram. If it were a straight and narrow road, just how boring would that be. With the way life is now, we have so many challenges and surprises that living is really kind of fantastic! Really! Well, in my opinion, anyway. Keep getting up! Keep going. We all just have to believe, that one day it will all be worth it! Jewels
i’m with you, julie – it would be a boring existence without those challenges that keep us aware and focused and inspired!
Your posts always have me thinking April, thank you.
I agree that we hurt our own feelings by choosing to accept or reject what words or actions others make against us.
Sometimes it is really hard to not let those feelings of being faulty or a fraud rise though. I think, if you’ve chosen to be hurt, to work at picking yourself up as soon as you can and not wallowing in that dark place.
To remember, what someone else thinks about your says more about them then it actually does about you.
what you’ve said is so important, phillipa. about not wallowing in that dark place. we may find it easier to stay there at times, but that can often lead to staying stuck. it takes strength every time we push through and choose to think differently, but the difference in our outlook and well-being is phenomenal.
hi April
Thank You!
I think throughout my journey I have exact same moments like this! Its hard, and at first I just to get quite effected and then realized I had the choice to react or not to! I guess with running our own business, its an evolving process and that’s part of the learning! and step by step we make all the difference!
i agree, yasmine – it is an evolving process. we make mistakes, we choose our responses, and we do better the next time.
So beautifully and elegantly written. As workers in the field we have great insight, but when someone points something out to us it can become quite challenging. Good for you, that you were able to stop, think and analyse what was said, how it made you feel and where to from here. None of us are perfect and just because we are practitioners in the field, it doesn’t mean life is all roses. Life is always a constant challenge. Thanks so much for sharing a part of your journey. x
thank you, sonja. i appreciate what you’ve written very much. it has been so helpful to talk about this subject and receive such lovely feedback from others. next time the path may be slightly less crooked. 🙂
Thanks for this article April.
I now feel that I am not alone when I slip in my behavior after teaching otherwise. I realize it is a work in progress, but knowing who I want to be and where I want to be is so important for me now. Everyday I take the baby steps to move me that much closer of walking my talk.
Everyday, I believe it is happening as my heart opens, the opportunities begin to open and the road blocks are removed from my path one at a time.
I am reminded that I have to only push through one blockage at a time, not all of them at once.
Denise
i think that was part of the reason i wrote this blog post, denise. because i had a feeling it would resonate with people, and i would no longer be alone in what i was experiencing. baby steps are oh-so-important when integrating who you truly know yourself to be with the way you present yourself to the world. thanks for sharing.