you might not know this, but i have aspirin exacerbated respiratory disease (also known as samter’s triad). AERD is a chronic condition that consists of 3 clinical features: asthma, sinus inflammation with recurring nasal polyps, and sensitivity to aspirin and other NSAIDs (like ibuprofen). there is a vast array of symptoms associated with this condition, with varying ups and downs throughout its path. i’m currently in one of the valleys, dealing with one particularly bothersome symptom i’d never experienced before. so i’ve been laying low, hanging out at home the past several days. and it reminds me of the time, not so long ago, when i actually wasn’t allowed to leave my home . . .
april 24 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 46):
i was messaging back/forth with a good friend the other day, sharing our thoughts about all that’s going on in the world, when she wrote: “my situation is so small in comparison to others and my emotions are so unexpected . . .”
i’ve been thinking about those words ever since. and about her and about me and about everyone.
i know some who read my words probably think i should never say anything negative about my own situation, that i obviously have it better than others. the thing is . . . i am always thankful for what i have, for what i haven’t lost. but i’m also honest. and i’ve always talked about my feelings because sharing how i feel, especially in writing, is therapy for my soul. a self-ish desire, that also seems to help others realize they are not so alone.
people FEEL the way they FEEL. there is no right or wrong here, we’re all trying to maneuver our way through something we’ve never faced before. this is completely new territory, and everyone is entitled to their own emotions.
just because someone admits to feeling vulnerable or angry or bewildered or scared (or even laughs!) doesn’t mean that that person is not considering the people who have experienced worse. we all know (and care about) one or more of them . . . those who have lost their loved ones, their jobs; those who have worried about their compromised health, their elderly relative, their livelihood, their immigration status. the list goes on and on. this is such a surreal time, and we’ve all been affected in some way.
i know i’ve personally encountered every emotion that exists during the pandemic and quarantine. our feelings are all valid, and no one has to apologize for them. we can’t always feel strong and brave, and should give ourselves permission to feel otherwise. as many have pointed out, sometimes it’s okay to not feel okay.
april 25 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 47 / view from my bed):
cats, sunlight, a cozy robe. terrace, mountains, trees, and clouds.
i’ve got it all.
april 26 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 48):
today italy reported its lowest daily coronavirus death toll in over a month. a gradual easing of the lockdown, phase 2, is expected to begin on may 4 (still awaiting the formal announcement).
in the meantime, remembering venice on my birthday last april . . .
april 27 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 49):
i don’t remember doing the dishes after lunch. but they’re done. did i do them? or was that yesterday? wait – was that lunch we just ate? or was it dinner? and how long have those clothes been in the dryer?
today feels pretty much like days 1 through 48 (with the possible exception of days 19 and 42), one day blurring into the next . . . quarantine mind.
but it looks like A REAL WALK (solo or with a family member) and TAKE-OUT FOOD (no gathering or eating on the premises) are in my immediate future (only one week away). i feel giddy!
