since returning from the states a month ago, i’ve been tending to dwell in a few dark places. (especially during my early-morning-i-should-be-asleep-but-am-totally-awake hours.) struggling a bit with loneliness, which is spilling over into questioning the trajectory of my path. at this point, i’m not sure exactly what i need to pull myself up and out of this overcast-sky feeling.
but i do think it’s okay to explore this emotional arena now and again, to allow the introspection to occur. darkness always gives my creativity a big boost, for whatever reason. i’m not getting a lot of tangible stuff done, but i’m writing a lot (which eventually leads to clarity for me). and despite feeling lonely, being alone seems appropriate too. (a good thing, since i’ve had no desire to go anywhere lately).
i am fully aware that i have created a wonderful life for myself, and i’m grateful for every one of those wonders each day. but you know, we all have rainy days. i wrote this poem at the height of my recent angst. still trying to make sense of a personal-world-shift that’s almost two years old, yet seems quite toddler-new.
beauty pleases and it calms
it can suffocate as well
vibrant color, moving lips
can’t explain, can’t get through
always looking rarely finding
thought it would be easier
thought it would be quicker
thought it would go gracefully
there’s only just a flicker
a flicker of that life
much harder than imagined
opening up new doors
with intricate polished knobs
ideas not yet thought of
moments that need grasping
thought it would be easier
thought it would be quicker
thought it would go gracefully
there’s only just a flicker
a flicker that might be enough
some days joyous, even certain
others curled in a ball
smoothing edges
shifting moods
perseverance through the tears
thought it would be easier
thought it would be quicker
thought it would go gracefully
there’s only just a flicker
a flicker that keeps it going
at times the obvious darkness
both appeals and it speaks
occasionally, intentionally
questions that will stretch me
breaking through all the mystique
thought it would be easier
thought it would be quicker
thought it would go gracefully
there’s only just a flicker
a flicker that grows stronger
the light is seeping in
and suddenly it’s clearing
what felt like muddled thought clouds
in the pinkish sky of morning
dissipating, disappearing
thought it would be easier
thought it would be quicker
thought it would go gracefully
there’s only just a flicker
a flicker just beginning to burn my hand
“confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
~august wilson, american playwright
do YOU face down your dark side now and then?
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I dread the dark, lonely painful places because sometimes I can’t see my way out of it. I wonder if I will die alone, never having known what it’s like to fully trust a man with my emotions. I trusted my lasted companion, opened my heart to him, helped him in so many ways and then when my mom died, he left without any explanation. I just don’t understand how a human being can be so cruel. I want to forgive him, but it is difficult.
Today im not living in my dark places, but not fully in the light either. My life is like the river, living amongst the morning dawn mist with new evaporation, full daytime sun warm and nurturing, the setting sun with the coolness and then the mysterious, sometimes scary, darkness of night. However, my life continues on tumbling against the rocks, gently touching the shoreline, meandoring gently with the trees leaves touching the surface to the violent churning of my waters over bolders in my way.
Iam of the light and darkness, but as I age my state of being amongst all of my emotions and feelings is shifting. Wiser, or at least wlling to seek within, to find my sense of peace and find that sliver of light to move towards.