my feelings were hurt this week.
and since it involved something close to my heart,
i immediately became defensive.
but then i stopped myself.
i decided to think more about what had been said,
to see if the accusation did indeed fit.
this was the gist of it:
“you’re always writing
about being calm and mindful,
but you’re hardly that yourself.”
although calm and mindful are not interchangeable,
it’s probably a fair assessment of my tranquility quotient.
i’m not, by essence, a peaceful being.
i’m loud, sometimes brash,
extremely impatient.
what i hope to convey though, through my writing, are relevant themes.
ideas that will help people realize that we’re all the same really.
that we all have the same tendencies and doubts and failings.
that we don’t always radiate the vibrant hues of a jewel-toned existence.
but more typically the whites, the creams, and the grays of gritty real life.
i rarely do things exactly right.
but i am forever trying.
and in the process of learning,
i like sharing the lessons.
i believe that’s all I’ve ever claimed to do.
“hey, this works for me. sometimes.
maybe it’ll work for you as well.”
yet i know there will be those
who do not benefit from reading my blog.
and that’s okay.
i’m happy to concentrate on those who do.
(and if you are one who chooses to read my words each week,
thank you for allowing me into your world.)
perhaps, in speaking up, this person has taught me a new lesson.
to constantly check my objectives.
to continuously examine my motives.
to curb any inflated desires to preach.
perhaps this person will read today’s blog post.
if so, i hope my appreciation for this forced self-assessment
will shine through.
*******
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April, I so deeply respect your courage and your authenticity. For me, whenever someone says or does something that disrupts my energy, or makes me doubt the work that I do or the person I am becoming, I ask “why does this bother me?” and I tug on that golden thread. Because asking “why did that person do that; say that; show me that?” doesn’t serve me. That person did or said that thing because of THEIR struggles and THEIR insecurities, they are non of my business. My business is being the best Angela I can be and sharing that love with others who are looking to be their best selves also. We really have to stop taking on the responsibility of every else… YOU ARE AWESOME AND WONDERFUL AND AN INSPIRATION. The end. <3
I love what Angela has to say here about tugging on that golden thread. I am reminded of a phrase I heard once in a 12 step meeting: “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” Except, for me, when it is … when it causes me to look inward, to check in, as you did here. I admire your courage to listen and to reflect. And also to stand in your truth. It takes great courage to put our words and thoughts out into the world. Thank you for consistently doing just that, regardless of the risk of judgement or misinterpretation. Brave writing, indeed.
When something makes me defensive as you did above, I know that it’s because there’s truth to their words. As Sue Ann says, it was very brave of you to look inward and find where that truth lay and measure it against what you write. To me, your admission of being brash and impatient simply tells me that you’re real. However, if you brashly wrote your blog about moments of impatience every week, I wouldn’t want to read them. Your words are so inspiring because, even though I know you have foibles like the best of us, you have wisdom to share and lessons to impart. What you share with us every week is your vulnerability to be true to you, even if that truth sometimes gets lost in less-than-stellar behaviour.
Reminds me of what happened this week in our government: our shiny new, and much loved Prime Minister, acted in a way that many took to be aggressive and completely inappropriate for parliament. Maybe so, but his actions were born of an impatience and arrogance that are part of who he is as a human with real emotions and heart – something I want in my country’s head.