SILENCE.
not the soothing, peaceful kind.
not the stillness we all crave,
when we’re feeling overwhelmed.
i’m talking about silence that is deafening, unwelcome.
the kind that roars in your ears when you’re wishing
to hear answers instead.
the kind that makes you want to
scream and tear your hair out and crush
the indecision and fear and bewilderment and waiting.
the kind that creeps in like an insidious enemy
until your fortress is shaky,
your walls unstable.
the kind that slowly crumbles
your dreams and strength and fortitude.
an absence of sound,
a lack of response.
the silent treatment.
without relentness noise,
without noise at all.
yet an emptiness that fills a room.
and fills your mind as well.
an awakening, a surrender.
people and situations will disappoint.
i will disappoint as well.
breathe.
utilize those meditation techniques.
accept what i cannot alter.
a hard one for me since i often
hope beyond reality.
what lesson is in the silence?
what, in its quiet cacophony, is it trying to tell me?
i always think i can change
the progression of things.
sometimes i’m right.
sometimes i have to eventually give in
and change me.
i do believe i control my destiny.
i’m just not sure i control its course.
but one thing is certain.
the summer of silence
will test me.
is the silence ever a bit too loud for you?
let me know how you cope.
*******
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woo! love it!
i do believe i control my destiny.
i’m just not sure i control its course.
so clever…!!! I read it twice.
Yes, the deafening silence… oh, this is so good April x
thank you, farah! (a reminder to myself that i am not always in control. :))
So impactful! You capture the pain of these moments perfectly.
“sometimes i have to eventually give in
and change me.
i do believe i control my destiny.
i’m just not sure i control its course.”
WOW! These lines really did it for me!! Great post as always April!!
thanks, april. i am trying to live by those words this week, to relinquish some of the “control” i imagine i have. not easy for me, but potentially transformational.
When I think of silence, I find solace in it. Time to sort though my emotions and feelings, time to relax and unwind and time to catch my breath. I imagine that silence can be imposing when one is alone or frightened. I would rather focus on positive thoughts right now and not allow negative ones to enter my mind tonight. I hope you understand, April. By the way, your writing is lovely and always so insightful!
i understand not wishing to dwell in a place of darkness, lori. but you may have misinterpreted my meaning here. as i wrote these words, i was alluding to the lessons learned when a deafening silence descends upon us . . . when the wait for an outcome (one way or another) feels absolutely unbearable, but will ultimately be resolved. sometimes we have to experience the myriad of emotions, both positive and negative, and then simply ride the wave. thank you for your interesting addition to this dialogue.
When the silence is too loud, I head to the fridge or the pantry and try to fill the void. When my stomach is full, yet I still search for food, I am forced to step away from the cookies and listen. Not always easy, never comfortable. Always worth the effort that patience and allowing take…opening me ever so gently to a more expansive version of me.
Beautiful post as always, April.
i just wrote about the progression towards disordered eating on my mindfulist.com column, cathy. food is solace for so many women.
yep – this is me lately – so resonated with this April – the silence is definitely too loud at times but ever so profound and shapeshifting. stay the course and be silent – a message to me xx
i’m glad you were able to relate to this, maria. yes, loud yet profound.
Your writing is beautiful, I love reading your blog. As a mother of a 1 year old I actually miss those “deafening silences”: I crave them. My day is packed full of screaming good fun. A little quiet time would be welcomed with open arms 🙂
thank you, krystal, for your lovely comment. oh yes, i remember that stage of life – absolutely NO silence. 🙂 (but, of course, i miss it now.)
Beautiful post. I can usually where I am at by my ability to handle silence. Have you ever noticed that many people become painfully uncomfortable in silence? Even when it is unwelcome silence, I always try to find peace in it, if I am uncomfortable, then I know I probably have some of my own stuff to look at. Thank you for sharing this!
yes, cathy, silence is definitely uncomfortable for many people. and you’re right – it usually means that some “stuff” is coming up.
“People and situations will disappoint.”
I was forced into an unwanted silence this week. He came on strong. He said he’d call. He disappeared.
Silence.
I’ve just about had it with that kind of silence.
But how do I fill it?
I don’t. I listen for higher guidance. I try to surrender the best that I can. I move on.
Beautiful post, April. *hugs*
your example is one of the unwelcome silences i was talking about, michelle. but oh no, i didn’t want you to illustrate it so well. 🙁 (*hugs* back.)