the courage to lose sight of the shore (part 1)

“you can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

well, what could be more relevant (figuratively and literally) than this quote that popped up in my daily inspiration journal today? it is usually credited to christopher columbus. and although that may be inaccurate, it would be especially fitting for me since my italian grandma (whose maiden name was colombo) always told me he was an ancestor. at any rate, thanks to cousin cristoforo for the encouragement.

whenever i’ve been faced with the unknown, i’ve always been able to calm myself by imagining how it will all play out in my mind. it doesn’t usually end up looking exactly like my imagined scenario, but it does bring me comfort during the anxiety-ridden wait.

i have not been able to do that this time. nothing comes up when i think about actually living in italy. i just don’t have enough information about my soon-to-be-reality to conjure up any image of daily life.

this is scary to me. and it adds to my anxiousness.

since my life is currently consumed with everything to do with this move, and since writing calms me, i’ve decided to devote my next four blog posts (up until the day i move) to this topic. saying i’m stressed right now may be the biggest understatement ever. C-R-A-Z-Y is more like it. writing it all out will help me make sense of my chaotic world.

so here we go, in no particular order . . . what we’ve done, what we still need to do, and a few surprises. the countdown to villa magnolia:

• ran into complications with our italian visas (delaying our departure), my husband flew overnight to san francisco to appear in person at the italian consulate, finally granted (and opened up interesting and unexpected opportunities)
• the 40′ shipping container shows up in two and a half weeks, we’ve decided to take almost everything and will be loading it ourselves (while the drivers wait) with help from a local crew
• flight arrangements are confirmed for me, my husband, and our two cats in three weeks (this took my husband three-plus hours to finalize, securing cabin carry-on assignments for mr smith and harlowe on three different airlines), i am dreading their reactions
• finished going through the 15 boxes of papers that accumulated since our last move, my downfall when it comes to clutter (i experience the world in written words and the pages become my mementos), though most was either thrown away or shredded

• on an extended round of strong antibiotics and prednisone (trying to kill my chronic sinus infection once and for all, after years of gunk)
• wrapping up my current session of THE ARRIVAL (plans for a new twist in the offering later this fall)
• going through my clothes closet (trying to be ruthless, but i’m a sentimental gal)
• last haircut/color in the u.s.
• since i’ve lived just two blocks away from my 86yo dad for the past three years, figuring out with my siblings what needs he will have (and who will fulfill them)
• upcoming four-day last-minute eight-hour-plus road trip (for family goodbyes)
• other difficult goodbyes, almost daily
• supplies needed are on their way: transformers (so we can still use our washer/dryer, kitchen appliances, etc on the european system), allergy and asthma prescriptions (stocking up), packing materials, big amazon order (all of my favorite staples and cat stuff for the flights)
• helping younger son plan and finalize his new living arrangements, he will be slowly moving out of our current house during the same time a good friend will be slowly moving in
• still need to: schedule appointments for the cats’ health certificates, sell my beloved mini cooper, complete a million other items on the to-do list
• and yes, the serious packing process has begun . . .

in a continuous state of in-limbo-apprehension. trying to handle the daily roller-coaster, ranging from soaring elation to collapsing upset every other hour. i’ve always had sensitive feelings, but i have never experienced this exact potpourri of emotions.

i go between feeling everything’s falling into place (because we really have been quite organized and have been planning this for a long long time) and utter panic (at all that’s left to do and of all we’re still unsure of).

i’ve moved a lot (going to and from alaska was probably the hardest). but this. this is by far the most monumental transition i’ve ever decided upon. everything is different. and we’re taking most of it on ourselves (the packing, the loading, even our upcoming renovation).

and i can’t help wondering about the rather inhospitable surroundings when we arrive. villa magnolia is magical, but . . . it won’t be clean, it won’t have heat, it doesn’t have a kitchen yet. and we won’t have our belongings for six weeks.

things will not be settled for a long while. but i need to remember to enjoy the moments. to do my daily qi gong practice. and, most of all, to breathe. deeply.

i took a picture of this sign one year ago in an italian hardware store in our village. roughly translated, it reads: “make of your life a dream, and of a dream a reality.”

i think i’m well on my way to doing just that. and doing it well.

 
 
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