almost a year of rediscovery.
rummaging through the traces of the past.
uncovering, revealing, exposing.
beginning to connect all of the many pieces of april.
the so-called story of my life emerging from the treasured fragments.
a book of poetry unearthed.
written by my fifteen to seventeen year old self.
much of it conveying raw, bleak, and bruised emotions.
there are moments when the darkness of night
stifles me
the suffocation is at times overwhelming, my
only escape being tears
and as they flow, they are cleansing me as
nothing else can
the one remaining on my cheek, stubbornly
hanging on, symbolizes one last chance for
survival
~~~~~~~
i awaken in a state of
confusion, after a
blur of mismatched
thoughts visited my dreams
nothing seems real as my
eyes open for the
first time that day
then the realities begin to
focus
i am once again overwhelmed
with a tremendous
sense of loss
a feeling of great emptiness
sets in and stays with
me throughout the day . . .
acting as a shadow
~~~~~~~
the season is correct
winter leaves its bitter
harshness in every aspect
jealousy is like winter
icy and harsh
the forever season of
my heart
among the rest i stand,
me – unable to disband
the painful feelings of sad sorrow
i anticipate for tomorrow.
looking back i realize
all the moans, the tears, the sighs —
they have had their way with me,
there’s nothing left of sanity.
release your mind and dream away,
there’s nothing here to make you stay
if all your goals do disappear
you then have something real to fear.
~~~~~~~
at times my life is enveloped
by dreams which i am lost in . . .
there were indeed glad times, happy days.
captain of the dance team, salutatorian.
stable close-knit family.
loyal (and lifelong) friends.
and yet angst, despair, bewilderment rose to the surface in my poems.
i think it must have been because . . .
in those moments i chose to write.
in those moments i desperately needed to write.
my tears splashing into words on the paper,
and ultimately saving me.
i think it’s important to fold all the episodes of my past into who i am now because . . .
that young girl’s impressions and reflections
played a huge role in my overall creation of self.
in closing, i’d like to share a rather serendipitous moment.
just as i was putting the finishing touches on this blog post,
i discovered an old notebook at my dad’s house.
filled with writings from my tenth grade english class.
once again i was transported back to my high school days.
and to the sometimes confident, sometimes confused, adolescence
that i remember so well.
~~~~~~~
“april gave us springtime,
and the promise of flowers.
we were living a time meant for us,
and even when it would rain
we would laugh it off.
i’ve got pieces of april,
i keep them in a memory bouquet.
i’ve got pieces of april,
but it’s a morning in may.“
(lyrical excerpt from three dog night)
which parts of your history have been the most consequential for you?
how have you integrated those moments into the person who exists today?
(and yes, i used lowercase letters as a teenage writer as well.)
“It’s good to visit Yesterday from time to time, but don’t stay so long that you forget to come home to Today and look forward to meeting Tomorrow. Today and Tomorrow needs your presence more than Yesterday.”
These words have been floating around my head lately. Not sure if they relate to your visit to the past, but thought I would share. π
what a fabulous quote, sheila. thanks so much for sharing it here. and i do think these words are important to remember – the past has influenced who we are, but it does not ultimately determine who we will become. we always hold that choice in our hands.
Deep stirrings within April. This is such a vulnerable yet light piece. My heart reached out for yours in the memory of my own adolescent years. What a poet you are…beautiful. The past has a way of offering us little snippets of ourselves we may have forgotten and provides depth to our now. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. X.
thank you for your lovely comment, marg. and yes, sometimes it is worth risking vulnerability in order to gain deeper insight.
Thank you for sharing with us a glimpse of your past. The sometimes lost and lonely adolescent who grew into the woman who now supports others with compassion and grace. Our past informs our present in so many extraordinary ways.
what a lovely way of phrasing my journey, sue ann. thank you for always having the perfect choice of words.
April, I think it is so important to go back into your past and look at it with curiosity – it clearly has shaped who you are today. thanks for sharing.
curiosity, not judgment. love that, heather.
April, we had the same hair way back when. π
I’ve always waxed a bit melancholic when reflecting on the past. I was teased unmercifully as a child by my fellow classmates, and I’m still prone to carrying around that “Ugly Duckling” story with me to this day. I know intellectually what I am doing and how to end the story, but childhood hurts run deep and resurface unannounced.
Thank you for being so vulnerable.
matching hair, michelle! π i’m sad about the teasing (i experienced some of that myself), but i’m proud to know the beautiful swan that you’ve become. childhood hurts do cut deep, but your loveliness proves that you’ve clearly risen above them.
Beautiful April…
As I read this . . . I think of this quote by Hafiz . . . another great poet like yourself . . . I will share it with you here dear April. I’m sure he would approve π
“One day the sun admitted I am just a shadow. I wish I could show you the infinite incandescence that has cast my brilliant image. I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being” Hafiz
simply gorgeous quote, elizabeth – it brought tears to my eyes. thank you so very very much for sharing it.
How generous of you to share this beautiful piece of your youth with us. It always moves me to see that someone so young (as 15-yr-olds can be) is also such a deep well of wisdom, passion & truth. Would that more teenagers could see that “astonishing light” in themselves, in the moment.
i appreciate your words more than i can say, cathy. you captured what i’d hoped to convey so beautifully.
Thank you April, for sharing this lovely piece. There are a handful of distinct parts of my history that have been consequential in my life. The most consequential one being an immigrant to this country, from a war torn one, when I was 8. That still shapes my life everyday.
what a brave little girl (and a beautiful strong woman). thank you for sharing that amazing piece of your history here, tania.
April, we also had the same hair color and all..and a few outfits π This is beautiful, I have an album of memories from those vulnerable and formative teen years. I married for the first time at 18 to a man 12 years my senior. That experience is deeply woven into my life β₯ Thanks for sharing a piece of your story.
twins, dana! π it’s so interesting to hear about the different stories we each have to tell and how they’ve shaped us in unique ways. thank you so much for sharing yours.
Thank you for sharing, April! The rollercoaster of emotions during adolescence is part of the blueprint. Raising teenagers brings me back to those years and I try to guide them as I would my younger self.
i like that idea, susie – guiding your own teenagers as you would your younger self. i’ve noticed quite a few differences between my teen years and my two sons’, but there are certain universalities regardless of gender.
Hi April,
I was bullied and teased during grade school. I was the nerd of the class. I found myself changing who I was just to survive another day of school. Now, I embrace my nerdiness! I don’t mind shouting it out to the world. Thanks for the lovely poems.
i’m saddened by the teasing, denise. but i love that you are “embracing your nerdiness” now! π (which i’m guessing just meant you were highly intelligent.) hooray for being your true self!
Oh April, you have such a beautiful gift of moving people with your words, truly. I’m so thrilled to have discovered you! The emotions, vulnerability and poignant reminders of my own youth came flooding back, along with the bittersweet wonder of it all. The delicate balance of realizing how much our past plays an integral role in who we are today, and yet, can also bring us to our knees if we spend too much time in reviewing it. And Three Dog Night to close things off? Oh yes.
what a lovely thing to say, marci. i’m so touched that you were moved by my words. thank you so much for visiting my global studio, and for sharing your insights.
Thank you for sharing such deep parts of an adolescent you. Talented even in the midst of struggle. Oh the trials of youth and growing up. Well put together.
i appreciate your kind words, cathy. thanks for stopping by.
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself! My happy times are similar – valedictorian, close family, etc. I buried myself in horses at that age. Beautifully put.
horses have so often been a teenage girl’s refuge, haven’t they? it’s easy to understand why equine therapy is sometimes used to build confidence and trust in individuals with eating disorders. thank you for your input, christine.
I remember the pictures, the outfits, just like it was yesterday, even the beautiful white chair. Here we are, all these years later, still friends, older, hopefully wiser…I feel your support continuously through these dark days. I hope you feel mine when you need it most!
i always feel your unyielding support, kellee. a rare, deep, true friendship.