my own applause

the month of april brought naysayers.
one of the toughest parts of following a dream.

not everyone is going to understand or agree with the decisions i make.
i know this.
and i still do what i need to anyway.

then why, every once in awhile, does it hit me so hard?
why does a certain comment zing like no other?
why does a particular opinion take the wind out of my sails?

i realize that many don’t know my entire situation.
what is behind my decision to move to italy.
what planning and thought went into it.
what joyful reasons and disappointing events led to this point.

why so quick to judge then?

oh, i know.
i do it too.
but maybe, after this latest blow, i’ve finally learned my lesson.

we don’t ever really know a person’s motives.
and if we feel we must interfere, we should ask first.
or keep our mouths closed.

my decision to move to italy is not a perfect one.
going is not easy.
but staying is not the solution either.

so many factors, so many complications, so many sleepless nights.

the bottom line is . . .
i feel driven.
to expand my business and host live retreat-no-more experiences.
it’s what I’m meant to do.

to show other women that there’s a big wide world out there.
and they need to follow their dreams too.

the enormity of an international move is beginning to sink in though.
the sorting, the eliminating, the packing, the details details details.

of course, i’ll miss my family and friends.
i’ll miss little things too.
like chatting with people at the bank or the post office.
at today’s writing, it’s fairly certain that
NO ONE
will be understanding my italian for a long while.
and i’m not sure i’ll EVER be able to roll my damn Rs!
(it’s not fair – i’m half italian!)

it’s kind of funny, but there’s a serious side to this problem as well.
i haven’t told very many people, but i’m hard of hearing.
and i know that will make trying to communicate even more difficult.

some days (like the day my oldest son moved away),
i don’t honestly think i can do this . . .
“am i crazy?!
i will be so far away from my boys!
i CANNOT move to another country!”

and then, after a week or so of emotional turmoil,
with enough time to think and feel and obsess
and worry and regret and analyze,
i realize i CAN do it.
and i WILL do it.

and i begin imagining life in italy once more.
in my villa.
mixing in our furniture, painting the walls, walking through each room.
in my village.
drinking cappuccinos, buying groceries with euros, waving to the new neighbors.

without a doubt, i’ll go through this entire process a million more times,
again and again,
before i move.

in 19 weeks.

only four and a half months left in the u.s.
and a super-packed summer schedule.
two trips, two sets of visitors, medical issues, qi gong training.
decluttering, clearing, consolidating, shipping.
etc etc etc.

a colleague of mine posted this quote on facebook a few weeks ago:
“living a meaningful life is not a popularity contest. if what you’re saying is always getting applause, you’re probably not yet doing the right stuff.” (marianne williamson)

i told her that i’d needed those words that day.
that i wasn’t getting much applause lately.

and she, supportive friend that she has become, said the following:
“i’m here, applauding you doing the right stuff, april. i know it is a heavy part of following your dream, but you are intended to do this and be a guide for others to break out and be free. i feel this in every part of me.”
thank you so much, sora.

and you know what?
i agree.
as i mentioned before, it’s what i’m meant to do.
and i feel it in every fiber of my being.
i need to hear my own applause.

villa magnolia morning room window

courage is not simple or unaffected.
it is not fearless or without pain.
courage contains both light and dark.

and doing something HUGE doesn’t make you feel happy every second.
it doesn’t make you feel confident with each motion.
and it doesn’t make you feel invincible. ever.

but here i am.
edgy and excited, yet strangely peaceful at the same time.
with a hint-of-urgency and a dash-of-restlessness and a scattering-of-calm.

experiencing the full gamut of emotions.
because it’s going to be a wild ride.

and you know what else?
in spite of any negative aspects,
this italian adventure truly feels RIGHT.
 
 
*******
 
 
click to receive my studio notes in your inbox each week.
(and get my complimentary guide to the essence7 journey as my gift to you!)
 
get my free course!
 
 

 
 
 
 

16 Responses to my own applause

  1. Joy says:

    Do what you’ve dreamed. You are a smart caring woman on an amazing journey. Someday I would love to visit you in italy.traveling that country has always been my dream. God bless you in whatever you do

    • April Lee says:

      i am so deeply touched by this comment, joy. thank you for your support and encouragement – it means a great deal to me. i hope you make it to italy one day soon. you have a place to stay when you arrive.

  2. Kylie Bevan says:

    “going is not easy. but staying is not the solution either”

    Beautiful and inspiring post April, I can so relate, having moved a number of times. It is a wild ride. And not always an enjoyable one. But definitely one you need to do. You already know it is the right move. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. xx

    Wishing you ease and energy.

    Kylie Bevan
    Relocation Health Coach

    • April Lee says:

      i gladly accept the ease and energy you’re sending my way, kylie. and i so appreciate your kindness and support during this emotional time. i know you’ve experienced the same feelings, and have gone on to conquer your fears and do it! i will be looking at you as an exemplary role model. 🙂 thank you.

  3. Can you hear me clapping? xxoo

  4. Angela] says:

    I’m clapping too!!! I have lived in 11 different countries, moving internationally 13 times, I feel you. What inspires me most about this post and about you April, is your courage to follow your dream. To be who you are and do what you feel is right for you. It’s so easy to listen to the nay sayers and take on their fears and insecurities, it’s not easy to listen to your own heart. But you know what……. even I can sense the urgency of this move for you, through your words and your deep intention to do what truly feels right for YOU!!!! You go girl. Andate avanti e raccogliere i vantaggi di essere fedele a te. Tanti bacci!!

  5. Jul's says:

    Love how transparent you are. Oh I so know those naysayers! Let go and Let God…your boys will come visit, they may even stay. They’ll always be with you and you them, in your hearts. I am giving you a standing ovation. You are on your path, windy, rocky at times, but clearly part of your dream. So excited for you!

  6. Brooke says:

    It’s a tough process-for sure doing big things that others don’t quite understand. It leads to feeling the need to defend oneself often but you are 100% right in your process. Nothing in life that’s truly important is ‘easy’. When you are the most uncomfortable is when you are learning lessons and growing…

    Buon Viaggio and look me up if you’re ever over in Spain!

    • April Lee says:

      i need to read this over and over during my uncertain times: “nothing in life that is truly important is ‘easy.’ when you are the most uncomfortable is when you are learning lessons and growing” – oh, yes yes yes. and i would love to look you up in spain, brooke!

  7. Erin says:

    That picture compliments your story so well…haunting 🙂

  8. Kadena Tate says:

    This post is so good. So inspiring. Thank you for words that pierce the heart and touch the soul. Wishing you every success in Italy.

Leave a Reply