my inside

the planning.
the packing.
the goodbyes.

the travel.
the country.
the language.

the bureaucracy.
the unfamiliar.
the shipment.

blocked sinuses.
sore back and stiff knees.
hives, a jammed thumb.

cleaning, scraping, painting.
tired beyond tired.
non-stop. daily.

tension and doubt,
small triumphs mixed between.
hellos to husband in passing.

intermittent fantasies of a small brand-new apartment,
where everything is sparkling clean
and everything works.

real-life dedication to the slow transformation
of a large and long-neglected villa
with unrefined elegance.

this is my outside, the tangible side.
what then, i wonder, is happening to my inside?
 
 
*******
 
 

 
 
we so often run run run,
get the stuff done,
mark the list off.
trying to get to the long-awaited prize,
to the end as we imagine it.

but do we actually take the time
to sit and process the changes we are experiencing?
the differences that are bound to play out,
destined to take root,
whether subtle or screaming?

i still cry every day.
whether from exhaustion or overwhelm,
or just plain missing somebody or something.
the tears are often brimming.

but i smile and laugh a lot more as well.
at least once a day i find ME again.
the april i know, the one who
feels comfortable in her own skin.

i’ve talked about the homesickness.
and the loneliness.
but those are expected on this journey.
and still really surface stuff at that.

i’m talking about deep shifts to my core,
that will alter and adjust who i am forever.
a true metamorphosis.
a new person i am evolving into being.

who will i be in six months?
in a year?
how have i irrevocably changed already?
 
 
*******
 
 
we can’t ignore or deny dramatic upheavals in our lives.

a devastating death.
a monumental move.
a colossal climb.
even a hoped-for happening.

but pay attention.

whether the transition was planned or unplanned,
what lessons are you able to learn?
how are you stronger, less fearful, more competent?
what is most difficult,
and what will better prepare you for the next time?

do you bemoan the person you’ve left behind,
or do you welcome the person you’ve become?
are you wiser, despite feeling inept or naive?
braver, in the face of risk and uncertainty?

as you sit and ponder these questions,
open yourself up to a fresh perspective.
listen carefully for the answers that naturally come.
be willing to trust your intuitive internal guide.

and never assume that you’re not up to a challenge.
or that you don’t have what it takes.

because you, my dear, have the potential to do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
to chase your dream, to catch your dream.
and most importantly, against all odds,
to complete your dream.

don’t hold yourself back.
 
 

 
 
*******
 
 
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