on monday i stumbled across a gratitude journal i had kept sporadically in 1997/98.
five things a day that i appreciated, written most days.
i had been devouring the wisdom in sarah ban breathnach’s book,
thus setting out to acknowledge simple abundance in my own life.
come along with me, during this week of thanks in the united states,
as i reminisce among the journal entries from that long-ago-world.
3/20/97 #1 – the ability/opportunity to sit and write, reflect, think, prioritize, understand
3/21/97 #2 – guy at rental car company did not charge us for gas, on empty and $2.96/gallon, “it’s friday and i’m in a good mood”
3/29/97 #4 – hale bopp comet (clearest ever) and short sampling of the northern lights
4/7/97 #5 – mom is okay! she does not need surgery, i am so relieved, answer to prayers – my mom is healthy
5/22/97 #2 – my job review at the hospital [adolescent mental health unit] went very well, good feedback from peers about my work with families, my eating disorders knowledge, my ability to establish rapport quickly, and my calmness in crises/chaos
5/30/97 #5 – “moment of grace” . . . i think i know what defines this phrase now, sitting at the dining room table working on the monthly budget (lots of $ available – a new feeling to me), raining hard outside / warm and cozy inside, alexander sleeping all curled up on living room sofa (and breathing nicely), cats sleeping nearby also (on purr pads), comforting feeling of total satisfaction enveloped me, grateful/thankful/amazed at all i have, my very good life, happy, a sense of utter contentment washed over me, and i just sat and experienced it, unable to do anything else . . . wow . . .
6/1/97 #5 – after alexander slammed his toe in the kitchen closet, we sat together on the floor singing songs, “you are my sunshine” and “mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird” (with our own made-up lyrics), “i just love sitting on your lap” (words that a mother melts to)
6/4/97 #1 – alexander slept through the night with no medicine all day and no coughing all night
6/24/97 #1 – EPT positive! i am pregnant!
6/29/97 #1 – told mom and dad about my pregnancy, mom called back twice (very excited), dad said “i didn’t think i’d be a grandpa again”
7/15/97 #5 – eric and parents back from fly-in fishing trip, he caught the only rainbow trout (his wife’s favorite) in a stream that the guide said he hadn’t seen one in in 30 years! (my hero)
8/6/97 #2 – eric left a beautiful new watch in the place where my other watch always sits, confused at first when I went to put it on, “happy anniversary to me!”
8/14/97 #1 – saw moose in wetland in morning . . . “moose luck!” (as alexander always says), then heard BABY’S HEARTBEAT for first time later that day!
8/15/97 #1 – meeting with dr. k. to discuss plans for new eating disorders program at hospital!
9/2/97 #4 – nice dinner prepared for my family, frank sinatra singing “this is a lovely way to spend an evening”
12/2/97 #3 – alexander read his first book all by himself!
12/4/97 #5 – the digging has begun on our lot! winter picnic lunch in the trooper while watching the excavator
1/6/98 #1 – appointment went well, baby (nicholas?) moving so much his heart rate went way up, doctor and nurse laughing
1/20/98 #2 – an hour of good preschool (including growth of a fetus at various weeks – alexander’s idea!)
1/23/98 #5 – dinner out with eric and alexander, relaxing, telling eric that i love my life just how it is right now
that period wasn’t always the best of times,
although wonderful things did happen.
like finding out i was pregnant with my second son.
and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my firstborn,
who was still recovering from a frightening bout with whooping cough two years before.
but my mom was diagnosed with cancer in late 1997.
the cancer that would eventually claim her life.
and my friend, a doctor who was to partner with me in a new eating disorders program,
died tragically in early 1998.
and i was simultaneously grappling with holes in my belief system as well.
a bittersweet time facing both a much-awaited birth,
as well as impending, unfathomable death.
by focusing on only the positive, the fulfilling, the good,
the documented memories did not erase or eradicate the bad.
they did, however, remind me of humanity’s greatest gift.
HOPE.
i wish that optimistic strength for you.
* * * * * * *
also on monday i sent a free gift to everyone who regularly receives my studio notes.
my very first e-book, weightless: the essence7 journey to a bold.free.new life.
if you are not currently on my list and would like to be challenged and inspired,
please click the button below and i’ll send it to you right away!
Amazing to look back, reflect, give thanks.. Humanites greatest gift is indeed hope. It definitely is not all good, the pain needs to be acknowledged, as well as the joy. Happy thanksgiving April 🙂
hope your thanksgiving was memorable, farah. thanks for visiting.
April, that book changed my life. It is what put me on the spiritual path I have been on ever since.
It was a time when I knew there had to be more than the day to day I was living. I even adopted a good night ritual withy kids. They would say 3 things that made them happy each day and 1 thing didn’t. The overall message is that there is always more good than bad each day. Easy to do & understand.
oh, susie – isn’t the book amazing?! i’m going to begin it again (after all of these years) on january 1. love your nighttime ritual with your kids. 🙂
Wow, April, what a poignant post! I love what you said about hope being the thread throughout and that it comes from focusing on the positive blessings you had in your life during those times.
Thank you for the reminder to focus on the good. The pain will be there too, but I can have hope in the pain because my focus is on those “moments of grace.”
hope in the pain. yes, so important, lois.
I had a chat with my uncle this weekend, a year and a half after losing his wife. As devastated as he was/is by the loss, it opened the door for him to spend more time with his daughter – something he wouldn’t have done if the status quo had remained.
As you point out there is good and there is bad, often unpredictable; time and perspective can change our interpretation of the events. Such a strong reminder to appreciate the simplest of moments regardless of the situation.
such a sweet snippet to come out of the encompassing grief. i’m sure it helped both of them deal with their pain.
What a gift to be able to look back on those times and see both the darkness and the light. I loved what you said about humanity’s greatest gift being hope. For me it has also been about giving myself permission to really feel and acknowledge the injustices in the world and the rage that accompanies them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel ALL of those emotions. And yes to appreciating the simplest moments of grace.
yes, sue ann, definitely okay to feel ALL of our emotions – something i am always encouraging/assisting my clients to do.
Ahhh,beautiful nuggets and a peek into your life is heart warming. April this reminds me to go back and look at my journals. Yes! that book was a game changer for me too!
another fan of the book! 🙂 thanks, dana. i so enjoyed this nostalgic peek back in time.
This is beautiful, April. I got chills reading it. Isn’t it interesting to see your life “as it was” through your own eyes? Thanks for this reminder to be grateful for the present. x
oh, anne – what a kind thing to say! it was beautiful and strange at the same time – part of me identified so strongly with that much younger woman, and part of me felt like it was another life/world completely. an interesting experiment.
April, Love that you found and shared these journal entries. it was so personal that I could feel you in them. I lost all my early journals in a house fire and felt like I lost a part of myself. They’re priceless for taking a look inside your mind at any given point in time and looking back they clearly show our growth. BTW loved Simple Abundance also. Talk about a roller coaster journey…that author had quite a ride.
i’m so sorry to hear that you lost your journals, silvia. 🙁 simple abundance was such an inspirational guide for me – glad to hear you enjoyed it as well.
This is absolutely beautiful. Remembering what we are grateful for on a regular basis can shape our entire outlook in life. There are always negatives and positives, but what we choose to focus on really does make all the difference in the world. It also helps us to look past the negative and still see the beauty and miracles in the world around us. That is the world I want to live in. Thank you so much for sharing these with us!
thank you, cathy. and i agree – having the ability to make a CHOICE. so powerful and priceless.
I had that book, too! I loved that book!!!
Thank you for taking us on this journey with you. I had completely forgotten about that crazy comet! 😀
And I nearly shrieked out loud when I read that you were pregnant! 🙂
So sorry for your mother’s untimely parting.
Yes. Hope. xo
isn’t it a great book, michelle? i’m going to reread it again beginning january 1. (and you do know that i’m referring to my pregnancy almost 17 years ago, right? :))
i’m wearing a wristband from an eating disorders conference i went to in october that has the words “feeding hope” printed on it. and i gave one to each lovely member of my in-person mastermind group after our retreat in a town called hope. a wonderful reminder each day.
Yes, I knew you were referring to your pregnancy 17 years ago! hahahaha!! But when reading your words, I felt as though I was there with you 17 years ago. 🙂 xo
Thanks for the reminder April – it is lovely to reverse engineer and see what events have shaped our lives today. I thought I might just look up some of my old journals too. xx
i love that, maria – reverse engineering, through my previous journals. 🙂