well, saturday will mark a year that i’ve lived in italy! amazing challenges. unbelievable growth. it seems like the time’s gone quickly, yet it also seems like forever. a lifetime of unparalleled jubilation and disorienting bewilderment, in just twelve months.
so after being here a full year, i should probably be able to speak italian (perhaps even be fluent). unfortunately, i am (embarrassingly) not much further along than when i arrived. oh, i recognize and understand a great number of words that i see and hear. but i still cannot carry on even the simplest of conversations with anyone. partly because i have less-than-stellar hearing, partly because i began neglecting my studying between renovation-and-retreat responsibilities, and partly because of fear.
and i really hate it. not knowing the local language makes me feel lonely and sad on a daily basis. i like engaging with people and i was used to doing that . . . everywhere i went, my entire life. but here i remain on the outside, cocooned into my english-only shell. i still reach out – with a smile or a hug, a warm “ciao” or a kiss-kiss. the bottom line remains, however. without the spoken word, my options for new friendships are extremely limited.
that’s not to say there is no one willing to be my friend. on the contrary, the people here are so nice, so encouraging, so welcoming, that they are my friends regardless. my goal? to be able to have real and meaningful communication with these warm, vibrant, friendly italians i meet every single day. this acts as my incentive, my motivation.
the more i think about it, the more i want it to happen. and (of course) the more i want it to happen, the more i find myself avoiding and worrying and thinking i-will-never-be-able-to-do-it thoughts. because it will be an extensive and arduous task. i’ve been in that scary difficult place before though. and i’ll find myself in it again and again. it’s what i’ve learned to expect every time i try to push beyond any comfort zone i think i might (usually mistakenly) be in.
and to be honest? i know i’m not in a comfort zone at all right now, since i’m not feeling totally at ease with my new life yet. i still have a LONG way to go (and not just in learning the language). maybe this is the perfect time to strike, when i’m already feeling uncomfortable. there will be plenty of time to feel all settled and cozy, right?
two days ago, i started studying my italian again. it will happen.
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what is waiting for you, patiently or not so patiently? what have you been neglecting, what have you been ignoring? what is calling out to you?
it is time to seize it and commit to it. to make it happen.
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