i’m scared.
but that’s okay.
i am moving to italy next year.
romantic, chaotic, gritty, colorful italy.
quite a combination of childhood-plus-adulthood
dreams coming true.
i am excited beyond belief.
amazed at how it is all,
after several years of deliberate devising,
coming together smoothly in the end.
and yet . . .
when i pause to take an honest look within . . .
in between the giddiness and the planning,
it literally feels as if this big old world
is about to swallow me up.
little me in the grand scheme of the universe,
dropped into an italian village to fend for myself.
where i can’t even speak the language yet.
a bit overwhelming.
i am sure to discover how ignorant i am,
but i’m determined.
i will most certainly be exhausted by the work involved,
but i’m enthusiastic.
i will not relish the upcoming goodbyes to loyal loved ones,
but i’m true-blue.
i am definitely apprehensive about what lies ahead,
but i’m gutsy.
i’m scared.
but that’s okay.
in our striving for wholeness,
we forget it’s one step forward, one step back.
boldly stepping into the unknown.
constantly. continuously.
we are overcome with optimism,
then defeated by doubt or despair.
forward, back.
forward, back.
transparencies, complexities.
assurances, uncertainties.
the dance of life.
i’m scared,
but that’s okay.
because this is a happy, anticipatory kind of fear.
that particular mixture of adventure and risk
that makes one sparkle.
perspective is necessary.
this kind of fear is healthy,
a reminder that we’re alive.
it’s different from what i call real fear.
real fear grips you by the shoulders
in the middle of the night,
and yanks your body upright.
real fear greets you in the morning,
the ugly pall that settles over you
after that first expectant breath of hope.
real fear is the fear i recall when
my toddler was so very very ill,
i didn’t think he would make it through the night.
real fear is the fear I remember when
i first heard my mom’s diagnosis,
the cancer that eventually took her far away from me.
that is real fear.
fear that chokes you up inside
and leaves a painful heaviness in your heart.
fear of destitution,
a dissolved marriage,
deployment,
death of a spouse.
this italian move?
by comparison, a piece of cake.
reality can sometimes be utterly unbearable.
and is often unquestionably uncomfortable.
we can (and need to) influence the process,
whenever and wherever we can.
by choosing our attitude.
by choosing our response.
by choosing our bravery.
by choosing our strength.
“run from what’s comfortable. forget safety. live where you fear to live.”
(rumi)
i’m scared.
but that’s okay.
*******
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cheering you on
tingling with excitement for you
feeling into your
Fabulously Exciting Adventure Rising
as you step boldly into
this manifesting dream.
(that was fun) Sor’a
yes, that WAS fun! (and thanks.)
I love your perspective on adventure! I’m excited along with you.
and i love yours! (kindred spirits. 🙂 )
Exciting for you! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I recently moved to India, from Australia and although it’s been challenging, and scary, it’s worked out perfect. Wishing you the best for your move!!
wow, reena – we should exchange notes! glad to hear that it’s going well.
Great read. And how brave of you but there’s also a part of me that’s slightly envious. 😉 Seriously though, I’m toying with the idea of moving abroad in 2016, if only briefly, while I build my business. So I’d be interested to hear more abuut your journey moving to Italy.
how exciting, shae! where are you thinking of relocating to? let me know about your plans – i’d love to chat more.
I am SO FREAKING excited for you!! I love that you own and embrace(?) that you have much to learn! One step forward, one step back…a dance. Awkward and beautiful all at the same time. You differentiate fear perfectly. The scary bad kind and the scary good kind. My favorite nugget this week was, “we can (and need to) influence the process,whenever and wherever we can.” So exactly correct! Thank you for sharing your fears and your wisdom! <3
what a lovely comment! thank you, april, for being excited for me and for your insightful-as-always take on things.
Oh April!!! This post and the photos are so very inspiring! I just know you will love your new home and Italy. You are such an inspiration, and I love the poetry of your posts! I hope your friends, family and those you love come to visit you in Italy, making goodbyes, temporary!
xox,
Jul’s
thank you so much, jul’s. i greatly appreciate your words. 🙂
I have a post-it beside my desk that says, “Use fear as a tool!” Yes, it’s ok to be scared, because then you move forward (and yes, sometimes back) and you get out of it.
love the post-it reminder, cathy!
Beautiful post…inspiring. And I am moved by how much I MISS the experience of this giddy feeling of fear that you speak of. I miss it like an old, loyal friend I haven’t spoken to in years. She’s been so much on my mind lately. Time to give her a call.
thank you, iris. i am liking the metaphor you’ve introduced . .. of an old, loyal friend who pushes you to do unbelievably courageous things!