four years ago, in april 2018, i wrote a blog post entitled awaken. move. nourish. it was all about how not only my mind and soul, but also my actual physical body, reacted to my international move.
over the last 18 months, since i relocated to another continent, i’ve gone through quite an upheaval. longer really if you count in the planning and prep involved before the move.
i’ve always been one to take care of myself. listening (rather acutely) to my body’s signals and whispers. rarely neglecting my physical or emotional health, and usually engaging in what i consider to be mandatory self-care.
and i’ve always been active, though not necessarily athletic. able to eat when and what i wanted, but not often to excess. on the slim side.
something happened over the last couple of years, however. something that, honestly, caught me off guard and left me a bit blindsided.
it was easy to get into a few bad habits. we had no kitchen for awhile, and then just a bare-bones affair (a sink, a stove, a refrigerator), but no counter space and no heat.
working every day on the villa renovations and retreat details. exhausted at the end of each day – physically, mentally, emotionally. too tired to do aerobic activity. with every bone and muscle aching, it was difficult to even get out of bed in the morning.
my hormones were all out of whack as well, since menopause had been setting in. suddenly (or perhaps not-so-suddenly) i was the most out-of-shape i’d ever been in my life. even my regular qi gong practice had been disrupted and ignored.
and i gained weight. quite a bit of weight. i weighed more than i had at my highest pregnancy weight (which, to be fair, wasn’t too extreme – even though both babies were well over eight pounds each).
it was surprising, since i had stayed within a five-pound weight range (other than the two pregnancies) my entire life.
but that wasn’t really the issue. no, the real problem i was facing was how i felt. physically, mentally, emotionally.
for you see, i didn’t recognize myself.
everything that i was having to navigate my way through was foreign to me. and i had to somehow assimilate the old with the new, trying my best to adapt to all of the changes and survive, while still maintaining my true self.
my essence, that i’d spent years discovering and cultivating.
oh, the upset was understandable for many reasons. the across-the-sea move, the new culture, the empty nest, the menopausal symptoms, the expanded career venture.
but it was still startling as hell when one day, almost exactly one year after i arrived in italy, i woke up out of the fog, looked in the mirror, and thought . . .
who am i? where did april go?
it wasn’t just that my clothes didn’t fit for the first time. it was that i didn’t feel like ME.
after years of working with women struggling with various eating issues, i finally knew how they felt. i could always empathize, even understand on some level. but now i knew.
after all of my coaching and counseling experience, i was now faced with my most resistant client. what should i do?
and after nine months of still-not-finished renovating at the pink house, while getting ready to put our previous home on the market, i find myself in much the same position. sustaining new bumps and cuts and bruises and aches on a daily basis. feeling old and haggard. not getting enough aerobic activity. not eating well (hello, extra-pounds-not-seen-since-our-last-renovation-project-in-italy). completely out of touch with my own body and not recognizing myself in the mirror.
certainty is never part of anyone’s existence. we are surprised, pleasantly or otherwise, on a regular basis. so after the initial shock wore off, i was determined to apply what i’d already learned. i knew i needed to research, to experiment, to find the best solution for me (the way i always try to guide my clients to discover what works best for them).
i was determined to regain my health. but how and where to begin?
with small steps.
going back to my first three essential elements . . . AWARENESS, MOVEMENT, NOURISHMENT. then breaking them down into doable pieces.
1. awareness, an awakening, of both the problem and the options available to me (recognizing and identifying my pain points)
2. returning to the forms of movement that i once loved, but had been neglecting (dancing, walking, simple strength moves, and qi gong)
3. focused attention on wholesome nourishment (after subsisting on late-night meals with little nutritional value)
awaken. move. nourish.
so now it’s time to begin paying attention to my first three essential elements again. i’m currently taking a mini-refresher course on mindfulness. last week i began walking again, wonderful discovery walks around wallace (my new town). and this week i consciously chose healthier options for my meals – still quick and easy since we have little time for food preparation at the moment, but much better choices.
soon i hope to be writing an ending similar to the one i wrote four years ago.
november 6, 2017 was the beginning. and a little over five months later, i can say the changes in my health have been subtle, yet profound. i’ve lost weight, yes. a little more than halfway to my comfort range. but i don’t weigh myself often and that’s not what’s important anyway.
what is important is that i feel energetic again. the heaviness that had descended upon my body and my mind is gone.
until the renovation, i wouldn’t say i ate horribly. but now i truly eat well. clean, fresh, unprocessed food, which i enjoy preparing with eric. we’ve had fun experimenting with a combination of different plans and recipes. and italy has such a delightful array of simple, whole, natural ingredients. this is not just a diet. it’s a joyful lifestyle change.
and once again i’m dancing, i’m walking, i’m doing strength-building and stretching exercises throughout the day. and i’m absolutely loving my daily qi gong (practice, continued study, and meditation).
i’m not quite there yet. i have a couple of health mysteries that i’m still getting to the bottom of, including the unraveling of possible reactions to certain foods. but things are definitely better. my chronic sinusitis is lessening, my unexplained aches and pains are diminishing. my flexibility has returned.
as i reclaim my essence, i try to remember to thank my body for all that it has already given me (like my two amazing sons), and for all that it continues to do. intricate systems that take care of every function necessary, legs that allow me to walk and explore, arms that enable me to carry and hug, hands that allow me to grasp and write, and a mind that allows me to think and create.
the last five months have consisted of a detoxing, a cleansing, a releasing.
of pounds, of struggles, of fears.
most important of all? i’ve come back home to my body.
i feel like APRIL again.
awaken. move. nourish.
“energy flows where attention goes.”
~an ancient qi gong saying
yes, that sounds perfect. awakening, moving, nourishing myself.
and again let me just say that it’s really not about the weight. it’s about feeling distant, disconnected, detached from my body. not like the-me-i-know.
self-respect is important to me. when i don’t take good care of myself, i let myself down. last week i decided to change the trend of this unexpected echo. i’ll keep you posted as i begin familiarizing myself with april once more.
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