after a long night, lying wide awake,
worrying, tossing and turning,
i was happy to see the sun.*
“behind the pleasure and fresh beauty of sunrise, i detect an old and primitive response: the day has come again, no dark god swallowed it during the night.”
~frances mayes
my days and nights are full to overflowing at the moment.
because, you see, my world-as-i-know-it is changing.
the first of the bittersweet transitions unfolds on friday.
my older son is moving to hollywood that day.
to pursue his long-held and ardently-worked-for dream.
and as i prepare to say the first of the two most tearful goodbyes,
my year of transitions will officially begin.
still so many uncertainties, lots of logistical hoops to jump through.
between now and september . . . only five months remain.
completing and readying my new e-course.
reframing and redefining my business.
helping my dad with day-to-day stuff and doctor appointments.
starting qi gong teacher training.
struggling to learn italian so i’ll be able to make a few new friends.
and continuing the process of letting go,
awaiting my younger son’s departure as well.
for he too will leave to follow his dreams.
oh, and thinking about packing and moving my stuff (and myself).
wildly swinging, bittersweet, vulnerable emotions.
lots of tears the past few days.
realizing how the things that are
shall never be as they once were.
(and feeling as if i literally can’t breathe at times.)
i’ve been experiencing lower back pain for several months.
i finally went to the doctor, tried physical therapy,
even received a wonderfully ergonomic new desk chair as a gift.
all of these things helped, yet the pain persists.
the only remedy that seems to help (while i’m doing it)
is my daily qi gong practice.
until this week, i hadn’t been outwardly showing
too many signs of overwhelm.
could it be that i’ve been using my lower back
as a container for the stress?
whenever i’m scared or anxious,
i tend to resort to shallow breathing.
even holding my breath.
so . . .
1) i need to remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
big long deep cleansing breaths
that zap the stress right out of my spine.
and . . .
2) i need to Face Every Awesome Responsibility Stoutly.
(my acronym for F.E.A.R.S.)
fear of moving to another country.
fear of leaving my boys in this one.
fear of putting my cats on a long arduous plane ride to europe.
fear of not being able to communicate with my new neighbors.
fear of something more seriously wrong with my back/health.
fear of saying goodbye to my dad, family, and close friends.
fear of all the hard work involved in readying the villa.
fear of the vast and frightening unknown.
anyway, that’s it.
that’s all i have to do.
face the fears.
and breathe.
(wish me luck.)
for the past 7 months or so, as many of you can attest to,
i’ve been talking about my upcoming italian journey.
a dream come true, the culmination of a long journey.
but it remains a tangled dream.
i’m extremely excited, but i’m afraid as well.
i just keep telling myself to DO IT anyway.
to DO IT in spite of the unknowns,
in spite of my apprehensions.
because i have dreamed before.
i’ve fulfilled those dreams,
and i have dreamed again.
the key for me is to appreciate the present
while continuing to stretch the limits.
there is still much i intend to do,
still much i wish to seize out of life.
and the fact that i’m not finished yet makes me feel deliciously alive.
what fears are you willing to push away in order to reach your dream?
accept this gentle nudge to DO IT.
despite your reluctance.
take the time to create and nurture your dream.
this gesture of self-care, this affirmation of personal worth, is important.
it’s a tangible symbol of putting yourself first,
of determining your own future.
it proves you are worthy of fully living your dream life.
dream = aspiration, goal, aim.
vision, purpose, desire.
future possibility.
transition = movement, progression, growth.
evolution, passage, transformation.
turning point.
and now, as the bonds of my nuclear family of four
stretch and grow and readjust,
it’s time for me to gently grieve the changes,
wish my boys well,
and spend time in the healing sun.
*apparently there’s an old english word, uhtceare,
which means “lying awake before dawn and worrying.”
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Fears are what make us humans. Understanding the fear and find a way on how to move on from that is the way it should be. It sounds like a really stressful period for you since your son has to go to Hollywood. It is a really big change in a parent’s life when their children move on with their lives to pursue their dreams. Thank you for this inspiring post and for sharing your thoughts and emotions. Wishing you all the best!
Zaria
This takes me simultaneously back to this time of year 2001 and fall of 2012. You excel at penning the feelings with an economy of words…elegant. The only constant is change, altho my right hip pain since about 2009 is a constant I would happily relinquish. Empathy is often taught only by actually experiencing what another is wrestling with. Love this post on many levels.
April, I went through this same process when we created our dream home, farm and sanctuary in 1999, as we simultaneously let go of our children to their destinies.
it is so very courageous, I wish you the best.
and thank you for “apparently there’s an old english word, uhtceare,
which means “lying awake before dawn and worrying” – perhaps it will help me to have a name for it
WOW, April! So much in this post. First, what I love about you is how you coach yourself first. You allow all of us a glimpse into your mind, heart and life. You show us what you are experiencing in a very authentic and transparent way, then you show us how you walk yourself through it, without judgement. You realign yourself then show us how you did it, and lastly how we can do it for ourselves. You use your wisdom and training and knowledge and skills for your own benefit as well as for all of ours. Second, I love how you shined a bright light on those fears. Getting them out of the dark recesses of your mind and onto paper, for all to see. I hope doing so makes them feel smaller. You are a brave, brave woman who pursues her dreams not in the absence of fear, but in spite of it. Thank you for being such an inspiration to all of us!
OHHHH, I am right there with you April! I love how you share and open up and bring us with you tossing and turning in the night and thankful for the dawn. Back pain…wishing to stay back? Back with your boys? I know I am right there with you. I have this secret mantra going on in my Mama Brain about my boys, one graduating Cornell in less than two months and one finishing his first year at Cornell as well. The secret thought: “I will Home Life you boys.” I don’t tell my sons that their mother is wanting to turn back time and keep them with me…just always. That I have decide the Italians have it right….sons are supposed to live at home with their Mama until they get married…well into their 40’s? 50’s?and then naturally come home to Mama’s for Sunday dinner, every week. I am so proud of my boys creating their own lives, but oh, the pain, the fear, the please build a mother-in-law apartment for me no matter where you go to live. Of course, I’ve not figured out how that works if one moves to the West Coast and one stays East…the snow bird mother-in-law, right? I am in awe of how you keep creating an amazing life for yourself while being aware of the transitions! Italy needs you. You need Italy. I may have to come visit 😉
I can’t speak for letting go of children for I have none of my own, but letting go … yes, that’s a biggie. And moving so very far away is HUGE. Many times in the past few months, with the political chaos I am witnessing in this country of ours, I have considered the notion of a move, a really big move. FEAR is very much present in these musings. I love your acronym: Face Every Awesome Responsibility Stoutly. That’s what I’ll take from this post. Thank you. xxoo
What a dance you dance – and so eloquently shared.
When I see the words ‘begin it’ – I think of how some new beginnings and transitions can be wobbly, like that first bike ride. It can seem scary at first. I love how you’re facing those fears, breathing through them and keeping on moving forward … even if there are some wobbly moments along the way <3
I trust that your qi gong practice will really help support you in this transitional phase, as you gently support yourself and nurture yourself through these changes.
The Goethe quote is one of my favorites of all time.
I have a feeling that all of your worries and fears will disappear once you get to Italy. Talk about magic! You will living la dolce vita, and you will have nary a care in the world! 🙂
Many hugs, and…. GOOD LUCK! XO