dream doer (part 2)

i read an article today entitled “do what scares you.”
and i had to laugh (through the constriction in my throat).
does shaking in your (red) boots count as
doing what scares you?

it inspired me to leave a comment,
explaining how i’m moving to italy in one month.
how i’m feeling, yes, scared to death.
and how i’m still doing it, still taking the leap,
in spite of the fear i’m feeling.

you may have noticed that i talk about fear a lot.
but i think i need to talk about it even more.
and keep on talking about it, until i’m hoarse.
this subject should be out in the open, not something we hide.
we need to draw hope from those willing to share their ups and downs.

which seems to have become my calling in life.
capitalizing on my own experiences with fear in order to
deliver the goods, the “you-can-do-it” speech.

i’ve been, of course, struggling with my own stuff
throughout this whole major transition.
and i’ve tried to be as genuine as possible about my feelings.
since this honesty seems to resonate with those who read my words,
here it is, in all its messiness.

i’m living inside an anxiety cloud, a ball-of-tension.
i’ve been enveloped in a surreal bubble filled with
the strangest mix of ingredients i’ve ever tasted.
a dash of fear and sadness, even grief,
with a sprinkling of excitement and thrills.

a doubt-and-dread cocktail interspersed with
the most unimaginable anticipation-of-adventure appetizer.

i can’t even begin to explain it because
it’s like nothing i’ve ever experienced before.
i cycle through about 150 emotions every minute.
i feel energetic, then apathetic, 20 times per day.

oh, i can reason it all out.
i know what’s going on intellectually,
but i’m finding it a great deal harder to process emotionally.
and i’ve noticed that a few people are reacting to me in strange ways.

some have unfortunately been, well . . . rude.
i deal with that as best i can.
do they feel threatened in some way?
do they fully understand my story?
i ask myself these questions to better interpret the responses.
i’m pretty sensitive though, and sometimes it just hurts.

i’ve also noticed something else – intangible, but real.
and that is people pulling away from me.
the withdrawal is almost imperceptible, but definitely there.
as if they’re steeling themselves in advance for what’s to come.
perhaps preparing for the inevitable goodbyes.

their daily lives will go on without me,
as mine will go on without them.
and that stings a bit.
we’ll always be connected to one another,
but in a different sense from now on.
not as present or direct as we have been.
the thought brings fresh tears to my eyes.

several women have also reached out to me recently
with comments, questions, concerns.
each intrigued or confused by different aspects of my personal journey,
while wondering about embarking on similar journeys of their own.

with their permission (and the promise of anonymity), here are a few samples:

• your words help me so much, you have no idea. i think you’re so brave because you’re honest with your emotions. sometimes it’s hard to be honest. i guess i forget that fear presents itself in every situation and can make us physically sick at times because we’re so nervous. i’m glad to hear that you’re nervous about italy because i feel crazy for even considering my dream.
• every time i overcome one obstacle, i pretend there is something else in my way. i’m feeling super stuck. i didn’t realize how afraid of failure i actually am.
• people get really rude or harsh. and i automatically assume that i’m wrong, that maybe it’s a crazy thought or “a phase.” but deep down . . . i want to do something bigger than myself. i don’t want to be someone who once had a dream and in the end, that’s all it was.
• i wrote: “i’m taking action. i’m making that dream come true.” on a post-it note, like you said. and it’s already helped me see things more clearly.
• i’m 56 and i don’t know what i want to do. i’m so tired of just surviving and not even doing that well. i’ve just been in existence mode, and i want to live.
• i like living an unorthodox life, but lately i feel like i’m dead inside and too rote.

*******

“you start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
if you do not listen to the sounds of life,
if you do not appreciate yourself.

you start dying slowly
when you kill your self-esteem,
when you do not let others help you.

you start dying slowly
if you become a slave of your habits,
walking everyday on the same paths.
if you do not change your routine,
if you do not wear different colours
or you do not speak to those you don’t know.

you start dying slowly
if you avoid to feel passion
and their turbulent emotions,
those which make your eyes glisten and your heart beat fast.

you start dying slowly
if you do not change your life
when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love.
if you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
if you do not go after a dream.
if you do not allow yourself,
at least once in your lifetime,
to run away from sensible advice.”

~pablo neruda

*******

becoming a slave of my habits scares me,
and thus inspires me.
as does never changing my routine, or wearing different colors,
or speaking to those i don’t know.
i would start dying slowly
if i allowed myself to stagnate or grow narrow in my views.
and this terrifies me more
than any risk associated with moving to italy.

yet still i am frightened.
i have to give myself pep talks every single day.
to push through the fears and doubts and anxieties
that are always coming to the surface.

just because i am actively chasing my dreams
(which still sounds crazy to me)
does NOT mean i am unafraid.

but i believe and i trust.
in myself. in my dreams.
in the idea that it will all work out . . .

and i feel this burning need inside myself
to show others what is possible.

feeling dead inside, just existing, is a reality for many.
and it saddens me when someone speaks these truths.
i know their life is worth so much more.
so i’m on a mission that goes beyond just me
and my dream to live in europe.

it’s become my aim, accomplished through my coaching,
to help women fight for a meaningful (and deserved) existence.
to not give up on themselves, to know and realize their worth.
sometimes just a very small change, a new way of looking at something,
creates a small shift which ripples out in bigger circles.

part of the reason i’m so vocal on social media
is to continually and publicly commit to my own dream.
so that i’ll go through with it.
though this is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done,
i feel seriously driven.
and i do not take this commitment lightly.

women write to me all the time, saying things like:
“i admire what you are doing, going after your dreams.
i wish i could do that too, but i’d never be able to.”

and i feel like screaming!
i am NOT superwoman or some rare breed.
i’m just an average person who felt a desire
and decided to ACT on it.
i decided to do something out of the norm.
i decided not to cling to the “accepted” way of doing things.

we all have giant fears, including me.
but wondering what could have been, not realizing my potential,
missing out on opportunities, holding myself back . . .
for me, these feelings are stronger.

and i think they should be, in order to keep
learning and stretching and growing and truly living life.
nothing is ever really final.
there is always room to change your mind, to alter your course.
but you owe it to yourself to at least try
to pursue anything that fuels
that tiny-but-bright spark inside of you.

i don’t think we can ever totally figure out what we want.
and though the unknown is scary, it’s also amazingly thrilling.
it makes life worth living.
however, while we’re in that discovery stage,
we should be doing the things we love.
discovering new aspects of ourselves every day,
and finding the process interesting enough to find out even more.

so i say go for it!
do whatever it is you feel compelled to do.
push through your fears.
(they will always be there anyway, no matter what.)

you will be amazed at your strength
you will be proud of your courage.
and you will be a changed person.
for the better.
i promise you will not regret it.
there is a huge world out there that so many ignore.
do not be one of them.

massive changes ahead,
lonely days,
inevitable disappointments,
communication barriers,
people i will miss.

but . . .
i am strong. i am brave. i am april.
and i am beginning to see through the trees.

and i am going.
regardless.
the end.

 
 
whatever you are feeling, deep down inside,
is NEVER WRONG.
no matter what others are thinking or doing or saying.
(trust me on this one. i’ve had firsthand experience.)

they’re YOUR feelings, it’s YOUR life.
please don’t ever allow anyone else to tell you
any of it is wrong or a mistake.
if we all felt the same, if we all did the same things,
this world would be damn boring.

take a deep breath, and the first brave step
towards making your own dream come true.
 
 
*******
 
 
note 1. thoughts and feelings came tumbling out last week as i realized that this italy thing is getting more and more real. have you had a chance to read the first installment of this tale yet, dream doer (part 1)?

note 2. there are some amazingly supportive individuals in my life, to whom i will be forever grateful. these people buoy me up every day with their wisdom and love. here is one recent example (of many):

“oh april, i know this experience all too well. we have such similar lives. it’s not an easy time and you have to make some difficult decisions. but the most important thing is that you do what YOU feel like doing. for YOU. it sounds selfish (to those who don’t understand) but that is not yours to worry about. people who are acting strangely to a decision that you are passionate about . . . that’s THEIR sh*t! remember that they might just be scared or even perhaps a little envious. you are a mirror for them. there are lots of reasons for people to think we are wacky. and that’s okay – the best people usually are! i am here for you any time throughout this whole process. don’t forget to breathe.”
 
 
*******
 
 
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