dream doer (part 1)

as the must-get-dones grow,
as the moments-until-departure near,
both in ever-increasing intensity,
i seem to be caught in a slow-motion dream state.
a bit lethargic in my movement, a bit numb to my reality.
like trying to run through invisible molasses.

a myriad of emotions greets me
each morning with the sun.
a plethora of anxiety settles under the covers
with me each night.
the closer the date on the calendar approaches,
the more tired i feel, the less i want to do.

yet there is much that i must do.
a dilemma, of course.
because of the rushing-all-at-once-at-the-end scenario
i am creating for myself as a result.

still much to wade through.
still many decisions to make.
still unknowns and what-ifs in the puzzle.

but the big picture keeps falling into place regardless.
never was such a huge undertaking undertaken
without fear and doubt and grief.
mixed in with excitement and clarity and hope.

a positive change, a long awaited dream-in-the-making,
yet still the demons attack.

sometimes hitting deeply, all the way to my core.
i’m protected though.
i’ve worked long and hard and have surrounded myself
with ample shock absorbers.

i’m trying to envision and create something wonderful.
for me, for my family, for my clients.
a small step, but the only way
i can begin to make a difference.

and that’s exactly when the world seems as if it’s out to get me.
i feel thwarted often, shunned, stopped at many different turns.
at times i feel unable to carry out the vision so carefully planned.
to add the good to the equation.

confused, crazy, unfair, unexplainable.
sometimes these hurdles, these obstacles,
feel like utter defeat.

it’s then that i just want to give in, give up, give away my pride.
and surrender to the delicious taste
of shucking all responsibility and care.

but i know i won’t.
i know i can’t.
i know the human spirit of fighting,
not only for survival, but for success,
is alive and well within my very essence.

some may say i’m whiny or i complain a lot,
when i divulge all of my innermost feelings on paper.
i say i’m just real, just being who i am.
an open book for all to see.

yes, italy awaits.
and yes, that is unbelievable and amazing.
yet there is much behind-the-scenes drama.

i’ve been hurt emotionally.
i often feel exhausted.
i’m 15 pounds over my normal weight.
i cry almost every day.

i am grateful, oh-so-grateful for what i have.
and though i cry, i smile and laugh a lot too.
but life can still be rough at times.
and sometimes i just feel like saying
“fine, forget it.”
it’s unfamiliar, emotionally messy terrain.

a new beginning, a new lease on life.
forward and onward, and all that jazz.
i’ve come up with a new mantra:
“i am strong. i am brave. i am april.”

yes, that’ll do for now.
the goal, the goal, keeping my eye on the goal.

what is your mantra for keeping your eye on the goal?
 
 
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note 1. next week, in dream doer (part 2), i’ll explore a few interesting comments, questions, and assumptions regarding my dream-chasing journey. stay tuned.

note 2. my loving thoughts go out to all who were affected by the devastating earthquake this week in italy.
 
 
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