Author Archives: April Lee

we just need to begin.

wherever there is motion,
there is momentum,
and we can easily begin the process.

of course, there will be obstacles,
things that get in the way of
our wheels turning efficiently.

simply be aware.
notice and adjust.

peace. love. joy.

are we promised these in life?

my mind wanders to instances of opposites.

strife where peace is longed for. hatred in place of love. sadness occurring for so many reasons, instead of the joy we all crave (and deserve).

during my fourth year in italy
i suddenly noticed i wasn’t
feeling the feelings
in the same way i always had

i wrote about it in several
july 2020 diary entries
that i’ve been rereading
and would like to revisit here

emotional expression has always been
super intense for me
a huge part of my personality

and suddenly it seemed blunted
i just felt numb
much of the time

i wasn’t really feeling anger
or excitement or anything
to the extent i used to

(except maybe fear
that one was most dominant)
anyway, i hated it

i am april
and i emote
this was not me

like some paper doll existence
a facsimile of my real essence

i wondered as i wrote
how i would ever get my mojo back
and truly enjoy living again

i continued to question myself
in the months to come
in the pages of my journal

what i really wanted
what i really needed
constantly in my mind

was italy the best place for me?

sometimes we know what we wish we could hear
the words that would confirm what’s in our hearts
yet sometimes those reassurances just aren’t there
and we have to figure life out without them

sometimes it makes us stronger
sometimes it makes us bolder
but we often let it crush us
allow it to make us feel less than

these are the times we fear
the times we dread
the times we go to all ends
to try and avoid

we can’t run though
challenges have a way of trickling through
the best part?

since i’ve been under the weather
and since the weather itself
has been wildly fluctuating
and since my life is feeling a bit wild too

this week i’ve decided to resurrect
an old blog post from january 2015
asking what i think is a very important question
that we should try to answer from time to time
 
 
“the most common despair is not choosing, or willing, to be oneself.