from the pages of my journal ~ august 15, 2019
yesterday evening was the most difficult so far. beginning the dismantling of the life my parents built. going through their things felt intrinsically painful. i cried the entire time. i was all alone and there was a thunderstorm raging outside, so it was poetically dark with jags of lightning and crashing booms.
“thinking we should be able to have a life without any suffering is as deluded as thinking we should be able to have a left side without a right side. the same is true of thinking we have a life in which no happiness whatsoever is to be found.
T H E . F A C E . O F . G R I E F
i thought i was ready
but i’m not
to share more about the reality
of having now lost both parents
to start unraveling some of
grief’s sticking points
i thought i was ready
but i’m not
to connect the dots to a new life
without my solid foundation
to begin making sense out of
this overwhelming emptiness
i thought i was ready
but i’m not
not yet focused or coherent enough
to lace the pieces together
forming one cohesive creation
filling in the many spaces and gaps
emerges as my personal therapy
in the coming months
i thought i was ready
but i’m not
heading into autumn with a
surprisingly different mission
than anticipated
the task of disentangling
my grief story
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well, it’s been more than 2 months since i wrote a blog post.
and a lot has happened in my life.
most significantly, my dad passed away.
i spoke the following words aloud on august 4th,
to an audience of about a hundred, at his celebration of life.
THE ARRIVAL #4 ended last friday, june 21. and it was truly magical.
magical yes, but certainly NOT perfect. we had a few shall-we-say surprises:
it’s just so hard to put into words
the myriad of emotions i experience
during and immediately following my retreats
still processing all of the goodness
emanating from THE ARRIVAL #3
the revelations and the insights
the tears and the laughter
the connections and the farewells
i am so grateful to these two women
for being present with me
for allowing me in
for expanding my own limits
and for trusting and challenging
themselves as well
for exploring the possibilities
we shared five days of our lives together
and it was magical
at castello malaspina fosdinovo
pasta making lesson with chef alan at il tempo del vento b&b
after reflexology sessions with ivana at villa magnolia
the beautiful village of vernazza in cinque terre
at un’ottima annata ristorante b&b
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some of you may have noticed
(though i suspect most did not)
that there were no studio notes last week
i was having lots of fun
with friends visiting from the states
and sometimes that bumps responsibility
i’ve written these posts lovingly, honestly
loyally every-thursday-but-two
since september 2012
i’ve come to the conclusion (in large part
due to the very humbling experience
of moving to a foreign country
and feeling ignorant quite often)
that for perhaps the first time in my life
i have very little to say
it’s perfectly okay though
because sometimes the words simply aren’t there
this is my “no words” season
i want my posts to be valuable
possibly edifying, worth your time
and the flow just isn’t there
so i’ve decided to go to a once-a-month
blogging format for now, for awhile
at least for the summer
until i decide otherwise
always keeping in mind that
it’s good to remain flexible
i graduated with a masters degree in counseling
when my oldest son was just two (he’s 26 now)
i’ve counseled, i’ve coached, i’ve lived
and you know what i’ve discovered?
WHY YOU SHOULD NOT COME TO THE ARRIVAL, MY ITALIAN RETREAT
1. You’ve decided to stay stuck in a lifestyle that feels safe. Perhaps a bit boring, maybe not very satisfying, even disappointing or unfulfilling at times. And possibly not genuinely safe either, just what you’ve become accustomed to each and every day.
we all have struggles that keep us up at night,
things that prevent us from dreaming.
maybe you’re good at keeping your
personal battles hidden, as well as
the fear that might accompany them.
sometimes though, the pain festers
until it becomes quite personal.
i shared this image as an instagram/facebook story this week (and by the way, i’m wearing a crown because i’m “queen for the month” every april ?)
so right now, in this chapter of my life, what could i accomplish if there were 9 of me?
