Author Archives: April Lee

january was
a hard month

spent questioning
myself, my motives

missing what was
what will never be

didn’t wanna
get out of bed

didn’t wanna
take showers

didn’t wanna
leave the house

finally admitting that
counselors get blue too

the calendar pages
flipping into february

my mood staying the same
sorry for myself
 
 
and then
rachel died

a bright sunny 13yo
who valiantly fought for two years

smiling, brave and strong,
throughout her cruel cancer

her amazing family
allowing her story to be told
 
 
i know that depression
is complicated

and i know many
suffer unendurable pain

but for me, today,
something changed

what-the-hell had i been thinking?

i take one step
it feels tentative, scary

but i stay there
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i walk another step
it feels a tiny bit easier

i straighten my spine
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i risk a third step
it feels stronger, bolder

i smile a small smile
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i take a fourth and final step
and it feels expansive

now i know
i don’t need to wait any longer
i’m breathing deeply

i’ll be okay
 
 
“life dances and you must dance with it.”
~phillip moffitt
 
 
 
 

tweet

announcing my 2020 word of the year . . .

RHYTHM

(as in, getting mine back ?)

i decided to create a collage, with pictures of myself that bring up memories of feeling happy, in sync, full of energy. that exude my natural RHYTHM.

did you celebrate new year’s eve, welcoming in 2020?
 
 
the last day of 2019 was kinda crazy for me:

• i went through a box labeled “mommy’s treasures” and cried (because it was MY mom who wrote that on the lid)
• i packed to return to italy
• i tripped backwards over a lawnmower in the dark garage .

I am made of a clean warm room with freshly laundered sheets and fluffy hotel towels. I am made of the most-welcome hot mug, cat greetings, my daily agenda and playful self-awareness, of procrastination and my vivacious momma.