for the past five years, i’ve enjoyed facilitating a women’s group on facebook. at the beginning of each week, i pose a monday musings question for the members to ponder and discuss. this week i asked the following question
someone in the group said she assumed that i was referring to body image.
i finally started updating a few things on my website this week. when i got to the “facts & favorites” section, i realized two things: 1) my favorites have remained much the same throughout most of my life, and 2) it might be fun to share these lists.
four years ago, in april 2018, i wrote a blog post entitled awaken. move. nourish. it was all about how not only my mind and soul, but also my actual physical body, reacted to my international move.
over the last 18 months, since i relocated to another continent, i’ve gone through quite an upheaval.
i’ve slept in the pink house nine nights
i’ve done five loads of laundry
and set up the kitchen
i’ve arranged my toiletries
and cleaned sinks and toilets
i’ve folded my tops
and hung my dresses
i’ve searched for one item
in 44 different boxes
best of all
i’ve been warmly welcomed in the community
and yet .
you may have noticed that my studio notes are a bit late today. here’s why . . .
we’ve been moving out of winterchase
and into the pink house
i’ve moved many times throughout my adult life, short distances and long, even to a different country.
did my life even happen
if i didn’t write it down?
there’s been so very much
going on over the past
several months
lots of good things
a few sad things
new things
hard things
routine things
but because i’ve felt so
pulled in many directions
i haven’t been journaling
haven’t been filling in
my appointment book
at least glad
i’m blogging again
keeping track with facebook
just haven’t been writing
like i excessively do
this is odd and unfamiliar
behavior for me
makes me feel
detached
in a daze
out of sync
not-quite-able-to-grasp
and it leaves me
wondering
did my life even happen
if i didn’t write it down?
and the time has come once again to pack up and move. this time just 10 miles up the road, to the pink house in wallace. yes, we’re finally doing it (although we’ve picked the week with the worst weather). several crucial items are already gone, including our very comfortable bed and the washer & dryer my dad bought us years ago.
i am in a women’s creativity group that meets once a month. during the march get-together, one of the members supplied two writing prompts. she asked us to choose one of them, then freewrite for seven minutes. today i’d like to share my spontaneous words from that activity, no edits.
so today i’d like to tell you a story about a very special gift (some of you may have read my facebook post about it several months ago).
our italian home, villa magnolia, had one previous owner, a doctor. our new residence in wallace idaho, the pink house/aka mccarthy house/aka the dire house, was owned the last 55 years by a doctor.
“anger is pain’s bodyguard”
(david kessler)
i didn’t start 2022 out very well
though january 1 did begin with a bang
it was because of something
i’m not proud of
i lashed out
on the very first day
of the brand new year
and i hurt other people
i attempted to
apologize, to
make it better
and they were
gracious, kind, immediate
in their forgiveness
but i was wrong
and still feel badly
about my outburst
i do believe my anger
came from a unique place
of pain and grief
i’d been mourning my mom and dad
that brisk winter morning
contemplating on the dawn
of yet another year without them
but my in-the-moment reaction
was the worst way
to turn a fresh new page
you may not know this
but i’ve struggled with
anger in the past
after a long period
of inner work
i thought i was finally
past those heated responses
choosing not to be
that easily-enraged person
anymore
and just like that
i blew it
finding myself losing
my temper once again
i wish i could say
i’d evolved a bit more
but i’m not going
to beat myself up
i did it, it’s over
and i made the best amends
i possibly could
i just sincerely hope they know
how truly sorry i am
and how that honestly
was not the me-i-want-to-be
to anyone who has ever been
on the other side of my rage
please accept my apology
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