this time of year, in my little mountain home, feels so full of hope and clarity. the peaceful scene outside my window (fresh silent white snow falling steadily all day) and the cozy scene inside (a home that’s well-prepped to keep out the cold) combine to make me feel thankful, buoyant, enlivened. i’m beginning to ponder what i’d like to create, to bring about, in 2023. i’m also thinking of ways to promote healing for my chronic condition, to allow me to feel the way i feel while on prednisone and cephalexin (but without all of the undesirable side effects). to approach what’s ahead for me with a clear head, able to B-R-E-A-T-H-E life in fully . . . physically, mentally, and emotionally.
there are things, always, going on in the background. the tragic unsolved murders at my alma mater, the university of idaho, loom heavily in the air. lesser obstacles as well – angst about a local dispute, worries about a theft not being properly investigated, my aching tailbone from last week’s fall. nothing is ever perfect or without at least a little bit of strife.
and yet a feeling of calm has been enveloping me in recent days. and this calm, well . . . it’s unusual for me. i’m not a placid come-what-may let-it-go type of person. i feel things intensely, i react strongly. i feel like i need to hang onto this sensation, this instinctive reminder that a tranquil mind feels good. wonderful, in fact. and that i can choose the way i want to think and feel.
i’ve decided to focus on the upcoming year a bit differently. instead of cramming all my planning and visioning and goal-setting and dreaming and end-of-year-reflections and clean-slate-intentions into the month of december (to start anew on january 1 – no pressure at all!), i’m going to enjoy the delicious memory-making chaos of the holiday season in its entirety. then january itself will become my month of cocooning comfort, contemplation, and crystal-clear calibration. easing into the new year, not entering with a bang (followed by a loud pop when resolutions go by the wayside a few weeks – or days – later). january 2023 will be my figuring-out-time, a chance to sample this new 365-day-opportunity and see what it feels like. see how i feel in it.
i will still do some inward wanderings in december, but only because i enjoy the process so much. i’ll think about options for my word of the year, envisage mindfully opening another calendar. 2023 is a special one for me – born in the 60s and entering a new decade of life, my 60s. coalescing my idahoan and my italian lives. reassessing rituals and routines, getting into a groove that makes the most sense for me to explore and adopt at this point.
i want 2023 to be a sensory experience too. i want to feel it viscerally. having lost one sense (my sense of smell), with limited capacity of another (my sense of hearing), makes me very aware of how precious our five senses are, and how much we take them for granted. we don’t always fully utilize them, don’t fully squeeze every last mouth-watering drop out of each day. i am often envious when i notice someone breathing deeply or commenting on a fragrant scent. in recent years, i’ve felt frustrated or left out when i can’t decipher what someone is saying, trying to communicate to me.
but then i think about what i do have >> my sense of sight, to see nature and beautiful architecture and my loved ones. my sense of taste, to take in the rich flavors of the world around me. and my sense of touch, to hold and hug those dearest to me. two of my senses may be diminished (just as things in your own life may be lacking as well), but we are ALIVE. we have the capacity to feel and to emote! i want to wrap my arms around this concept and go into the new year with a complete appreciation for it. with eyes and heart wide open, ready to embrace the possibilities.
i won’t always feel this enthusiastic, i know. i am currently riding the high that the gift of prednisone gives me. when this respite from my breathing difficulties wanes, i will feel stuck again. uncertain, perhaps even despondent. in those times, i hope to reread the words written here and capture some of the passion that shines through, in order to help propel myself through the hard and heavy moments that 2023 will inevitably contain. i’m realistic, but optimistic too.
i guess that’s enough stream-of-consciousness rambling for now. though i do truly believe it’s a good start.
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