i am used to striking up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.
now i only understand a word or two each time i go out.
i nod and smile, feeling idiotic and inferior.
i’m living on the fringe, unable to communicate through the language fog.
and it just isn’t suited to me.
it makes me miss my weekly coffee dates with a close friend even more.
these get-togethers would stretch into three-hour gab fests,
with sprinklings of both laughter and tears.
i wish i could hear her right now, telling me about her week,
and dramatically exclaiming over the deliciousness of her espresso drink.
i know the integration process will take some time.
but i don’t think, for me, it will ever mean fully immersing myself.
i think it will consist more of sorting through and deciphering
all of my tangled-up thoughts and feelings and reactions,
and finding a uniquely-april-balance between the old and the new.
an innovative way to join my two worlds and to create a freshly-blended-reality.
merging the cherished best from the past with the exciting promises of the future,
commingling into a harmonious whole.
sometimes wisdom comes in strangely wrapped packages.
sometimes growth hurts physically and emotionally.
sometimes risking it all for a dream feels like someone has flipped the off switch.
sometimes crying makes you feel like you can no longer breathe.
but . . .
sometimes crying makes you feel a whole lot better.
sometimes returning to your daily gratitude practice works wonders.
sometimes joy arrives unexpectedly,
in the buttery-sunshine yellow of freshly painted walls.
and sometimes you just have to reach the end of your strength-as-you-knew-it,
dig down deeper than you ever thought possible,
and whisper (perhaps shout) these words:
ADAPT and SURVIVE.
because even though it’s crazy and different and unlike anything i’ve ever done before,
I am here, in italy, living my amazing dream.
stretching my limits and setting a flower-in-bloom example.
what is it you desperately wish you could be doing,
if you weren’t feeling so afraid?
what makes your heart beat faster,
in both a good way and in a way that brings a bit of fear as well?
what are you always thinking, and then hesitating, about?
THAT is your big dream.
announce it to the world!
begin by telling me first.
then start to bloom.
*******
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ADAPT and SURVIVE!! YES!! Boy, you have no idea how much I need that phrase right now, April! I am in a place right now that feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water and then you come out with this…divinely timed my dear friend!! Thank you! I am so proud of you and your journey and perseverance! While you are adapting and surviving these growing pains, I’m sitting here excited for all the rich and exciting results of this growth and how you will share it with all of us! Rock on Dream Catcher!! <3
so glad to hear that my message reached and touched you at a pivotal moment in your life. thank you for your unwavering support and encouragement throughout this journey. <3
Great post April!! You’re verbalising so many of the things I’ve felt on my 7 year journey here in Italy, thank you 🙂 Hang in there, I know what you mean with the language barrier, but once you’ve grasped Italian a little better you’ll find yourself joining in conversations more and more, I agree I don’t think we’ll ever quite fit in or be fluent, but that’s all part of what makes life in Italy so amazing!! Have you seen Cher’s Italian learning website? The Iceberg Project? I’ve used it a lot over the past couple of years and find it a great way to learn Italian, maybe it can help you too -http://icebergproject.co/italian/ Ciao e buon domenica!
thank you for reading, peta, and for the very encouraging words! i just signed up for the iceberg project (much thanks for the great tip). hope our italian paths converge one day. 🙂
You’re doing amazing April! It’s so not easy moving countries like you have. As they say though, fear is temporary but regret is forever. You’re going after your dreams, and that’s something most people never even try to do. By the way, those buttery-yellow walls are gorgeous!
aawww . . . i appreciate your words very much, angela. thank you! (and those buttery sunshine walls make me instantly happy when i walk into that room.)
I love the buttery yellow and the carpet in your newly renovated room…stunning! Clearly your home and retreat villa are going to be warm and inviting. I love how you share the pain and loss of missing your recent past and also how you give such words of wisdom…ADAPT and SURVIVE! I think those words may morph into new ones too, because I think you will more than survive and THRIVE!
as always, jul’s, thank you for your supportive words. they mean a great deal to me. (and that “carpet” is actual beautiful tile that was discovered and brought back to life by my husband when he removed the nasty old carpet! 🙂 )