some of you know that last monday i received what i called “hopeful” news. and as a few surmised, it did indeed have to do with my health. i was honestly so excited, to the point of tears that would not stop flowing. i could hardly believe it . . . to feel heard and held for the first time in ten years. someone was finally going to help me at last! i couldn’t come down from the euphoria.
as the week went on and the desired results became less and less likely, however, i began getting more and more frustrated and discouraged. on the edge of something potentially wonderful and doing everything in my own power to make it happen (including daily exercise, a healthy meal plan, meditative techniques, and a self-care routine), yet no breakthrough. with each day that passed, i felt as if i’d fallen from a counterfeit high. dangling on the precipice, unable to focus, unable to lead a normal life. literally unable to breathe.
and now i guess i just wait. see what happens. see what else can be done. i’m usually a very upbeat person, eager to find solutions to puzzles i’m faced with. but i admit to feeling beaten down this time. several steps behind once more, with little patience or energy to try anew.
postscript: since writing this on tuesday evening, i’ve experienced a teeny-tiny change. you can hardly call it breathing, but sniffing in on one side is enough to make me feel almost human again. unfortunately this little bit of relief comes and goes, more absent than present. hopefully, though, it’s the first sign that my new medication (a monthly injection) is doing what it’s supposed to do. it’s hard to get too excited, but perhaps there really are better days ahead. wish me luck!
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