3.5.12
feeling unsettled
i just don’t quite have a grasp on life right now
too many details to pull into one cohesive whole
*
9.16.14
everything in moderation, including moderation.
*
3.27.16
shallow breathing, shallow life?
breathe in consciously and deeply.
inhale experiences and exhilarations.
breathe out mindfully and fully.
exhale devastations and disappointments.
*
4.29.16
you know what i’ve found throughout this last week? that my days are anything but ordinary!
they’re full of warmth and challenge and love and risk and growth and beauty.
i love my “ordinary” life.
*
6.23.16
and it just sits as anxiety.
in my stomach, in my head.
*
9.21.16
handling the daily emotional roller-coaster (literally from soaring elation to devastating deflation every other hour). i’ve always had sensitive feelings, but i’ve never experienced this exact combination.
whenever i’ve been faced with an upcoming unknown situation, i’ve always been able to calm myself by imagining how it will play out in my mind.
it doesn’t usually end up looking like my imagined scenario, but it brings me comfort during the anxiety-ridden wait.
i have not been able to do that this time. nothing comes up. i just don’t have enough information about my soon-to-be-reality to conjure up any image of daily life.
scary. and adds to my anxiousness.
*
9.26.16
so, wow. lots of changes ALL at once. so many emotions to keep up with – i’ve never really experienced anything quite this overwhelming. not when we moved to alaska. not even when my mom died. such an unusual strange mix – excitement, happiness, sadness, fear.
*
2.10.17
bittersweet twist
*
10.11.17
i’ve been telling you what to do.
two weeks ago, i told you to ACT. and last week, i told you to HOPE. are these two ideas at odds with one another? some would say yes. but i say no.
i know one cannot just sit idly by and hope for the best. action is necessary in order to make things happen. but i truly believe we have to begin with hope. because if hope is extinguished there is no energy, no incentive, no motivation to act. we must believe that there is goodness. we must believe that things can get better.
so what am i telling you you should do this week? i’m not sure. maybe i’m just confusing us all. maybe what we should do, certainly before acting, maybe even before hoping, is to sit and think. that’s what i tried to do today, and it resulted in this rambling disconnected discourse. because i’m tired. i’m simply tired.
*
11.18.17
i feel like no one believes me.
i feel like everyone/everything has gotten crazier.
i feel like i don’t belong anywhere, caught between two worlds.
*
9.16.18
me, in black and white
my blue eyes
*
9.26.18
and in the midst of all the bustle, lies a beautiful oasis. villa magnolia, solid and calm. welcoming you in from the outside world.
*
1.29.19
to everyone out there who has ever called me “princess” . . . GUESS WHO helped eric stack all this wood today?! 😮😂😎
*
1.7.21
what i can control
breath
movement
mindset
*
12.20.21
untangle
life has gotten unnecessarily complicated for me over the past two years
i need to untangle my true priorities, untangle the pieces of my divided existence, untangle my threatened essence/identity once again
the messiness is part of who i am. i’m not trying to ignore it and i’m not going to try to erase it. but i would like to better understand it, unravel it a bit
*
3.1.22
yesterday, it all suddenly overwhelmed me at once, everything over the past two years (all added to the enormity of the pink house project). right in the middle of painting shelves, i broke down and cried. i cried and cried, then just resumed my work. it was weird. didn’t even tell eric (working downstairs) what had happened. not sure that i could have explained it if i tried.
i went in the bathroom and wrote four nonsensical “morning pages” about it, just to get it all out of my system. it helped, but i still feel troubled. (and of course, not being able to breathe doesn’t help)
*
2.4.23
my booklist
–gift from the sea (anne morrow lindbergh)
–rebecca (daphne du maurier)
–to kill a mockingbird (harper lee)
–alas, babylon (pat frank)
–atlas shrugged (ayn rand)
-(ANY agathie christie, especially books under her pseudonym mary westmacott)
–coming home and winter solstice (rosamunde pilcher)
–no mud, no lotus (thich nhat hanh)
–fahrenheit 451 (ray bradbury)
–the best little girl in the world (steven levenkron)
-the entire rex stout “nero wolfe” series (which i own)
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