Losing sight of your true essence by behaving in ways that are not congruent with your authentic self is a very real struggle. It is easy to focus on other things (such as day-to-day responsibilities, minor inconveniences, or even genuine emergencies), and grow more and more out of touch with what makes you unique and special. And when you continue to allow outside influences to dictate your life, you tend to ignore your own beauty, talent, strength, vitality, purpose, and possibility. Sometimes you even start sabotaging yourself, destroying your goals and dreams in the process.
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” (Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby)
Logically you know what you need to do (or stop doing) to reach your goals. But you often do the very thing that prevents you from getting there. Why?
Although this can be a complicated issue, there are two possible and common reasons.
1) BECAUSE THERE IS SOME PAYOFF.
You may be in denial about something, you may just be clinging to familiarity. But, for whatever reason, you perceive more pain associated with the change than with staying the same, and this perception keeps you in the cycle. Bottom line: if there were no payoff, there’d be no repetition.
So how can you eliminate this damaging behavior? By asking yourself (and digging deep for the answer) what your personal payoff might be. “What am I getting out of this? Why do I avoid changing this pattern?”
Maybe you’ve been trying to please everyone. Maybe you want people to see and acknowledge your pain, your struggle, your sacrifice. Maybe you are constantly in need of appreciation, of the recognition you feel you deserve.
Have you been trying to be the hero? Are you playing the role of the martyr?
Or it’s possible that you are simply afraid. Afraid to venture out. Afraid to fail. Afraid to leave a safer place.
I challenge you to look deep inside. Am I describing you? What emotions come up when you are confronted with this examination? Do you feel defensive? Angry? Surprised? Sad?
Ask yourself if you’re prepared to pay the price that staying in the behavior will cost you in the long run.
Congratulate yourself for your honesty and sit a minute with your new awareness. And then begin making the necessary changes to please yourself. To acknowledge your own pain. To appreciate and recognize yourself. To leave that safer but ultimately unfulfilling place.
And then to move on.
It is time to live your life.
Find your beauty among the thorns.
2) BECAUSE YOU DON’T FEEL WORTHY.
Many women don’t feel as if they deserve to have dreams, let alone pursue them. Think about it. Do you feel worthy of realizing your most precious dreams? Why or why not?
Not feeling worthy can cut deep. Perhaps the belief has followed you since childhood. Perhaps it’s been reinforced through disappointments and failures. Whatever the origin, whatever the cause, you must start here. And now. You must begin thinking about how your dreams can connect you with your true purpose.
No one else is like you. You are unique and you are interesting and you are a one-of-a-kind influence in the world. If you’re not feeling this way, it’s because you haven’t tapped into that uniqueness yet. You haven’t explored your own individuality thoroughly enough. You haven’t fully experienced and expressed your essence. You haven’t set out on your solo journey yet.
What gets you excited about life? What do you want most? What gives your life meaning? When do you feel the most like your true self? What would fuel you to take consistent action on making your dreams reality? What are you waiting for?
It is time to live your life.
Find your beauty among the thorns.
How do you begin living your life if you’ve just been sitting back waiting for things to happen?
By taking that next small step.
I know you’ve heard this all before, but now it’s really time to do it. I know it sounds simplistic, but breaking down your overall goal or dream into easily manageable and achievable steps is the best way to move forward. In fact, in order to see any movement at all, you must take action. And, in turn, this action will create momentum and motivate you to attempt even more.
There are a few things to consider before planning out your next step. Is it too broad? Or is it too narrow? Does it feel like the right mix of comfortable-yet-challenging? Or does it seem too overwhelming right out of the gate? Do you know deep-down it’s too easy? Will it actually lead to your end goal?
Remember . . . you cannot change anything or make any progress by merely thinking about it. You must take action to see results.
If you find yourself veering off track, take a few minutes to write down your goal again, maybe even fine-tuning it a bit. In fact, write it out several times. Tape it to your mirror, hang it above your computer monitor, jot it down in your planner, text it to yourself. The act of writing out your intention will help to cement it in your brain and give it the importance it deserves.
“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” (Alphonse Karr)
It is time to live your life.
Find your beauty among the thorns.
*******
what is holding you back, keeping you stuck?
what are you avoiding?
and what is your payoff for doing so?
what makes your eyes light up, makes your heart quicken?
what makes you smile spontaneously?
and why do you feel unworthy of delighting in it?
define your dreams.
fight for your dreams.
bring your dreams to fruition.
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*******
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Wow! This post is very moving, April! You should submit this to a large online publication to reach a larger audience. I feel like there is some real gold here for people who really need to read this. Self-sabotage is so common, and I speak from experience. I’m sure many business owners, especially online business owners with unlimited potential, face this problem almost every day. There’s always a new level to reach! Thank you for this wonderful post. It’s inspired me to get into action.
XO
Wonderful post, April! The title is PERFECT!! Fear is usually what sneaks up on me. She disguises herself as “advisement”, but I recognize her pretty quickly now. This doesn’t mean she isn’t effective though. There are those moments when she’s wily and I question myself and wonder, “who do I think I am?” She’s a sticky one, too. She isn’t easy to shake when she hits those vulnerable spots in my psyche. I’m going to print THIS POST to remind me to get back in touch with my truth and not let fear drive my decisions. <3
Great post April, I love the quote at the end “Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” (Alphonse Karr), so apt.
For many years I put the needs of others before my own, sometimes in obvious ways sometimes in more subtle ways. It’s not that I abandoned my dreams, I just tended to theirs more.
I have to admit that it wasn’t a pattern I was able to change on my own, it took some outside help, even permission, before I was able to really choose for me more fully and have ease with that.
I found so much truth here. So many enormously valuable questions that I am taking the time to really get the answers to.
For me, yes. “afraid. Afraid to venture out. Afraid to fail. Afraid to leave a safer place.” Although, perhaps my “afraid to fail” is more “afraid to succeed” Still digging deep for the answer that will help release me from this fear. Working on it. Thank you for your guidance April. <3
Aww. I don’t want to admit it, that I’m afraid of reaching the next level in my business because playing at the level I’m playing at now makes me feel safe, makes me not challenge anyone around me too strongly… The excuses are familiar and I tell myself “In a few years, later, when I’m more perfect…” but no. The time is now. Thank you for this article!!
I hear you about now wanting to challenge those around you, Inge… whenever that one comes up, I also recognize the mirror/vicious cycle: that I’m afraid to challenge myself. You can do it, Inge!
Reading this today – with all that’s coming up for me lately – brings home how much I live my life according the externals. I’m so deeply entrenched in reactionary mode lately, especially in light of an impending move, that I have lost sight of who and what I am in all of it. It just hit me that I don’t even know what my goals/dreams are anymore, they’re so lost under the rest of the turmoil.
Thank you for handing me back the compass, April.
April! Fruition! My Word of the Year! 🙂
Very powerful post. I’m certainly no stranger to self-sabotage. Lately, I think it’s because I’m just so… bloody tired. I’ve taken small steps. I’ve taken big steps. I’ve taken giant leaps. I think I’d just like to be carried for a spell. Yes. That sounds lovely. Mmmmm…..
self sabatoge. I did that today. I’m on antibiotics and because I was sick I had run out of food really and had to go shopping. I felt myself hit a wall… so tired… and I kept going, just to get it done…tonight, I pay for this lack of pacing and self care. I call it neurosis!!!!! … sigh… I was trying to take care of myself so I wouldn’t have to go out again… and could rest… but in all honesty, I could have stopped and continued the other stuff another day.
It is a tough one. And I thank you for the reminder and the reminder of it’s not so simple all the time…. Its’ not only with business and actions of doing that one needs to attend to.. but non action too.
Can’t sit back and wait to heal.. you’ve… (I’ve) gotta take action… and stop!
Thank you wise one, for your honest writing and honest thoughts about life and all it’s workings. xx