during my fourth year in italy
i suddenly noticed i wasn’t
feeling the feelings
in the same way i always had
i wrote about it in several
july 2020 diary entries
that i’ve been rereading
and would like to revisit here
emotional expression has always been
super intense for me
a huge part of my personality
and suddenly it seemed blunted
i just felt numb
much of the time
i wasn’t really feeling anger
or excitement or anything
to the extent i used to
(except maybe fear
that one was most dominant)
anyway, i hated it
i am april
and i emote
this was not me
like some paper doll existence
a facsimile of my real essence
i wondered as i wrote
how i would ever get my mojo back
and truly enjoy living again
i continued to question myself
in the months to come
in the pages of my journal
what i really wanted
what i really needed
constantly in my mind
was italy the best place for me?
covid was of course
a contributing factor
and then we decided to leave
for five months
(which turned into twenty)
still a lot to sort out
and why my word of the year
U N T A N G L E
is so apropos
but i know i will eventually
my focus is becoming sharper
options are making more sense
and i usually figure things out
i also reread this facebook post dated two years ago today >>
rhythm realignment 🟢 / day 1
with italy doing so much better and things generally feeling more positive, i’ve decided it’s time for me to focus once more on supreme-self-care (what i personally call zest). one year ago this week, my dad died. and i’ve felt pulled into an unending whirlwind of events ever since. while still grieving for my dad and my forever-place-of-belonging (something that’s made me feel more lost than i thought possible), i came down with shingles. then italy went into lockdown, as we faced a global pandemic. with a few other personal issues at play as well, i found myself falling out of sync with the daily rituals that sustain me. out of sync with everything, to be honest. i no longer had any energy. no oomph.
we’ve now passed the halfway mark of 2020, a year none of us ever imagined could and would have such a huge impact on our lives. i’d chosen RHYTHM as my word of the year. and wow, have i fallen short . . . i’ve never felt more out of rhythm! i’ve also been fighting depression, which i’ve struggled with at three other distinct periods in my life. i haven’t had to deal with it for a long while, and i certainly didn’t welcome its recent return.
i wrote these words by hal borland in my journal on march 7 >> “no winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.” i’m finally starting to experience that spring, that opening. (by the way, my name is rooted in the latin word “aprilis” derived from “aperire” meaning “to open” – “aprire” in italian)
so . . . it is time. time for me to recapture my energy. time to concentrate on healing and feeling whole again. time for me to realign with my rhythm.
amidst my angst
despite my despair
i was definitely trying
to feel better
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