i’ve been feeling “off” the past few days, weeks . . . well, months really. ever since my dad died last july and a crazy sequence of events in my personal world, coinciding with those worldwide, was set in motion. it was interesting to see, while looking back through my lockdown posts for this next installment to share, that i had been feeling much the same then. low on energy, stuck, a bit lost. out of sync with my rhythm. there have definitely been good moments in between, but there is still some heaviness hanging over me that i need to work through. and since i think of emotions as messengers, i’m allowing them the chance to tell their fluctuating stories.
so with that, a look back once again . . .
march 25 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 16):
feeling very weary today . . . the charts and the numbers. the armchair epidemiologists and the heated debates. the sadness and the worry.
mr. smith, at least, is very happy that i never leave the house anymore. waiting it out together. wishing for sunnier days.
march 28 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 19):
wow
haven’t left my home once in 41 days
today is eric’s birthday
and we would both love to just
go for a drive in the mountains
e. would love to take his usual run
through the village
for emotional health
as well as physical
instead he stumbles his way
through the tangled roots of
the secret garden, hoping for
no broken bones
today is eric’s birthday
and his wife is looking disheveled
no makeup
wild hair
always in lounge clothes
the shingles rash is better
but the pain has returned
back on meds with
unpleasant side effects
i’ve started counting items
since the grocery/farmacia runs are few
5 days of paracetamolo left
20 days of cat food
fresh fruit doesn’t stay fresh long
not running out, stock still good at stores
just a smidgen of anxiety now and again
i have always loved cities
i don’t live in one in italy
but i do live near a busy road
with the autostrada close by
i know most probably wouldn’t agree
but i prefer the traffic noise
i lived on 5 acres in the olympic forest
and loathed the quiet for 6 years
now it’s silent once again
and i hate it
my severed link with civilization
even more evident
struggling with inertia
can’t concentrate on work or classes
mental neglect is happening
not complaining, just being real
and sharing my honest thoughts
i know we have it better than most
with our big house and garden
we remind each other every day
starting to go a bit stir-crazy though
i adore being around people
and i’m feeling trapped, helpless, afraid
fragile
i think of my sons
safe and well and healthy
but so far far away
my easy access cut off from them
until . . . when will air travel
between europe and the u.s. resume?
i think of the families, 919 died yesterday
increasing numbers in the states too
in hospitals and in homes
struggling for life and failing
mourning for loved ones
i cry and cry
and remember why i’m staying at home
i’m usually one of the most optimistic
upbeat and hopeful people i know
ask anyone close to me
but today i’m just tired
tired of the isolation
tired of the numbers
tired of the reported anger
tired of the distance between me and my sons
tired of thinking about the ultimate fallout
tired of the coronavirus
tired in my body, my mind, my soul
just tired
today is eric’s birthday
and though the sun’s warmth has returned
even the mountains went into quarantine
my 2020 word of the year is rhythm
i’d say it’s a bit off
