Last week, a client described an interaction she’d had that “bothered her.” She later said, several times, that it bothered her that she was bothered. I’ve been thinking about that statement ever since.
Say you have an encounter with someone, and you’re left feeling hurt or frustrated. Natural reactions. And then suddenly that honest-and-expected emotion is taken to the next level. It becomes anger, or perhaps resentment. A secondary emotion.
Why is it secondary? Because even though someone might make you feel hurt or frustrated, that person can’t really make you feel angry or resentful. You create that secondary emotion all on your own. (Kind of complicated and sometimes hard to accept – I’ve had to learn this unsettling fact myself.) And the anger, the resentment – whatever you’ve created to protect your fragile/raw/scary feelings – begins eating at you, night after night. It can even make you feel physically ill.
The key is to stop being bothered that you are bothered!
Obvious, I guess. But not so easy, I know. It takes awhile to get to that point, but one day you realize that the way you’ve been feeling is indeed within your control. In the meantime, what can you do to feel better?
Have you ever heard the phrase monkey mind? It’s a Buddhist term meaning “unsettled, restless, overwhelmed, busy, indecisive” . . . when our minds are running a million miles a minute and we can’t get any peace. The constant chatter of worry and to-do-list-noise in our heads. There is a tai chi exercise called Repulse the Monkey that enables you to push away that unwanted energy, the repeated thoughts and agitated mind, and allow the clearing and opening of both mind and heart. This new energy, that arises within you, expands and blossoms to create increased clarity and positive energy in the environment around you. It’s a simple move that only takes a few minutes. Its effectiveness in calming anxiety and an overly excited nervous system, however, is surprisingly significant.
Another go-to I use when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the world is Balasana, or Child’s Pose. I just pull out my mat and assume this yoga position. It always feels safe and settling to me, calming and comforting. It’s also easy to do, and takes only as much time as you have to give.
Then, after doing one or both of these exercises, why not take a few minutes to meditate on the way the anger or resentment is making you feel. How does it affect your body? Your mind? Your heart and soul? Your relationships with others? Does your suffering change anyone or anything? Or does it just harm YOU . . . physically, mentally, emotionally? (Often what we’ve been agonizing over has little to no effect on the other person or thing in question!)
And finally, after sitting for 5 or 10 minutes, journal your thoughts. What came up during that time? Did any potential solutions or breakthroughs rise to the surface?
So what do you think? Are you ready to take action? Try the 2 exercises (just google Repulse the Monkey and Child’s Pose if you’re not familiar with them). Then sit with your emotions for a bit, trying to look at your situation as objectively as possible, while allowing your feelings the space they deserve. Finally grab pen and paper, and start writing. See how you feel afterwards, what perspective you may have gained.
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