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i’ve noticed that every time i write a blog post related to my grief journey, one or two people opt out of my mailing list. that’s okay. i can’t say i blame them. some of my words are a bit depressing, and there is an obvious sadness laced through them.
but then, right after an unsubscribe, i get an email or message or comment from someone. telling me that they needed to hear my words. that my story has helped them in some way. that they don’t feel alone anymore. and it prompts me, of course, to continue sharing.
because that’s what this life’s all about really. connection.
i know it’s just an outpouring of jumbled thoughts and feelings at times. i write from the heart, whatever i’m experiencing at the moment. there’s no plan or agenda with my posts, just honesty and real emotion.
and actually, at this point, i don’t know what i’ve shared or not shared publicly. i’ve responded to so many private personal messages, trying my best to convey my particular understanding of this thing called grief, while acknowledging and affirming their own version of it. because all of us have faced, or will one day find ourselves facing, exactly what we dread most.
grief is a funny thing. i’ve had so many different reactions to losing my dad. and this loss (including my responses) differs so much from losing my mom 17 years before. i’m more aware this time, of what i need and of what i’m feeling (almost hyper-aware). with my mom’s death, i was in a fog. for years. losing her felt like my foundation was suddenly compromised, as if i’d lost my foothold on life. very very wobbly. and now, with my dad’s death, the rest of my already-cracked foundation seems to be disintegrating, slipping away. i’m having a hard time adjusting to this new reality.
i’m quite extroverted, but i’ve just wanted to cocoon for the most part. being with friends does help. so does taking a hot shower, cleaning up the space around me, eating healthy meals. but i rarely feel like DOING any of those things these days. i have to seriously force myself to take the next step, to take action.
we might not always see or feel or hear it happening, but life has a certain rhythmic quality to it. everything has movement. everything dances.
i’m currently trying to get back in step.
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