“thinking we should be able to have a life without any suffering is as deluded as thinking we should be able to have a left side without a right side. the same is true of thinking we have a life in which no happiness whatsoever is to be found. if the left says, ‘right, you have to go away. i don’t want you. i only want the left’ – that’s nonsense, because then the left would have to stop existing as well. if there’s no right, then there’s no left. where there is no suffering, there can be no happiness either, and vice versa.”
•saying goodbye to my family homestead
135 years old, through 5 generations
going through my mom and dad’s stuff
excruciating
discouraged and depressed
questioning everything
•first i was sleeping a lot
and eating a lot
now i’m sleeping little
and hardly eating
•I CANNOT FOCUS!
•i want to go somewhere by myself
wake with the sunrise
wind down with the sunset
and in between
write and think and dance
play with qigong, drink smoothies
•i read today
that forgetfulness is
normal during grief
(i’d forgotten that ?)
•there are ten rather large items on my “need to” list
but only one on my “want to” list
do NOTHING!
“both suffering and happiness are of an organic nature, which means they are both transitory; they are always changing. the flower, when it wilts, becomes the compost. the compost can help grow a flower again. happiness is also organic and impermanent by nature. it can become suffering and suffering can become happiness again.”
•i sit and wonder
is everyone crazy
or just me?
save the stub
it’s a ticket to
remembrance
all alone now
not sure how or why
maybe one day
the rain began gently
the thunder merely purred
then drops growing with the booms
still so far to go
but no looking back
what is the future
morning again
cats and coffee
long empty minutes ahead
the boy in the photo smiled
his grin a tug at my heart
a reminder of what’s no longer
summer to autumn
abruptly shifting
emotions from zero to ten
“everyone knows we need to have mud for lotuses to grow. the mud doesn’t smell so good, but the lotus flower smells very good. if you don’t have mud, the lotus won’t manifest. you can’t grow lotus flowers on marble. without mud, there can be no lotus. if you know how to make good use of the mud, you can grow beautiful lotuses. if you know how to make good use of suffering, you can produce happiness.”
•i read/heard 5 things the other morning
that i probably already knew
but had temporarily forgotten
exactly what i didn’t realize
i was seeking that day
1. begin again
2. learn to play, not struggle, with your feelings
3. when going through so much on a magnificent scale, you may be in a fog
but it also puts a huge spotlight on difficult things
everything becomes more of a blur
but it’s also highlighted in certain ways
4. finding beauty in a bad situation
5. heal thyself, change the world
“when we are full of fear, we are often completely focused on preventing the event we dread, and we forget that joy is also possible even in an unpredictable world.”
•definitely feeling some fragility
staying close to home
spending lots of time alone
slowly, step by step
clawing my way back
up and into my familiar routine
client calls and emails
the art therapy course i’d abandoned
my centering qigong practice
including a fabulous new-to-me move
“playing with empty and solid”
all about balance, which seems appropriate
back to learning italian
making business plans
cooking healthy meals with eric
rotating between my favorite
forms of movement
walking, dance, stretching, strength
rediscovering my journal as well
keeping a real pen-and-paper diary again
(instead of scribbled notes here and there)
not quite an everyday habit again
but even the little bits have been
so incredibly freeing (and healing)
and most importantly to me
i’ve been trying to engage
my word of the year
what i needed (and need) most
to do in 2019
E X H A L E
“the buddha said that if we can recognize suffering, and if we embrace it and look deeply into its roots, then we’ll be able to let go of the habits that feed it and, at the same time, find a way to happiness. suffering has its beneficial aspects. it can be an excellent teacher.”
•i’m not there yet
and don’t think i’ll be there for awhile
dealing with some physical stuff
as well as mental and emotional
but i’m taking care of myself
i’m listening to my inner voice
and i’m peeking out at what
possible emergence from the cocoon
might just feel like
as they say in italy
“piano piano”
“mindfulness is the best way to be with our suffering without being overwhelmed by it. mindfulness is the capacity to dwell in the present moment, to know what’s happening in the here and now. and with that same energy, you tenderly embrace the suffering.”
•all quotes in today’s post
are from no mud, no lotus
by thich nhat hanh
welcome words
providing such comfort
in this grief tunnel
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