although i’ve been wanting to check in
about my 2018 word of the year,
i’ve pondered the best way to do so.
because my WOTY venture could honestly
be seen by some as a bit of a failure.
the last two years
have been so life-changing,
so startlingly difficult-and-different,
that i’ve spent a lotta lotta lotta
time in self-reflection.
nothing like moving to another country,
where every-last-little-thing is foreign,
to jolt you into a deep and thorough analysis
of who you are, what your strengths are,
and most definitely
what your failings might be.
i’ve tried to be honest with myself
in identifying the faults that need
some attention and some work.
like my word of the year from 2018.
FLUENT.
am i fluent in italian?
NO, not at all.
am i MORE fluent,
in both language and life?
YES, in many ways.
what is fluency anyway?
not to get all esoteric, but
i do believe one’s definition changes
with whoever is defining it and the
parameters of what is being defined.
because fluency throughout life
ebbs and flows, doesn’t it?
one day on top of the world,
where you experience the ease of movement,
and breakthroughs are likely.
other days, it’s hard to take
even a tiny step forward,
each movement – physical, emotional –
marked by difficulty.
at first i understood nothing.
italian words and culture all a distant hum.
bewildered, i tuned it all out.
i understood nothing.
i said nothing.
i was trying to be brave,
but i was terrified.
time, as always, marched on.
i’m still bewildered.
i’m still terrified.
but i’m feeling better with each day.
acclimating feels like more of a challenge now,
rather than an impossibility.
i’m allowing myself to fail, to stumble,
to take a L-O-O-O-O-N-G time to learn.
(yes, even years if necessary.)
it turned out there was so much more
to this fluency thing than i first
imagined there could be.
i’d said that, in addition to the language,
i wanted to feel comfortable again
within my own skin.
i wanted to feel more ease
in my overall existence,
to be “fluently april” once more.
yet it went far beyond even that.
beyond what i could ever have conceived.
it has encompassed physical, emotional,
even spiritual threads of my existence.
i wanted to come back home to my body,
but also to my essence.
and though i’ve made great strides
in that direction,
i’m still a work-in-progress.
just like the italian villa i live in.
i’ll be revealing next year’s word soon.
but i need to mull it over still.
i thought i already knew the direction
i wanted my word to take me in 2019.
due to recent circumstances i’m feeling
helpless to control, however, it turns out
a deeper, more fundamental, need
is pushing its way to the top, begging
to be recognized and attended to.
i’m letting it naturally unfold and,
in time, i will know it.
my intention will be clear.
oh, and my focus on becoming FLUENT
isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
i often revisit all of the words i’ve chosen
as yearly highlights, beginning in 2011.
each is part of my journey now.
*******
