my own applause

the month of april brought naysayers.
one of the toughest parts of following a dream.

not everyone is going to understand or agree with the decisions i make.
i know this.
and i still do what i need to anyway.

then why, every once in awhile, does it hit me so hard?
why does a certain comment zing like no other?
why does a particular opinion take the wind out of my sails?

i realize that many don’t know my entire situation.
what is behind my decision to move to italy.
what planning and thought went into it.
what joyful reasons and disappointing events led to this point.

why so quick to judge then?

oh, i know.
i do it too.
but maybe, after this latest blow, i’ve finally learned my lesson.

we don’t ever really know a person’s motives.
and if we feel we must interfere, we should ask first.
or keep our mouths closed.

my decision to move to italy is not a perfect one.
going is not easy.
but staying is not the solution either.

so many factors, so many complications, so many sleepless nights.

the bottom line is . . .
i feel driven.
to expand my business and host live retreat-no-more experiences.
it’s what I’m meant to do.

to show other women that there’s a big wide world out there.
and they need to follow their dreams too.

the enormity of an international move is beginning to sink in though.
the sorting, the eliminating, the packing, the details details details.

of course, i’ll miss my family and friends.
i’ll miss little things too.
like chatting with people at the bank or the post office.
at today’s writing, it’s fairly certain that
NO ONE
will be understanding my italian for a long while.
and i’m not sure i’ll EVER be able to roll my damn Rs!
(it’s not fair – i’m half italian!)

it’s kind of funny, but there’s a serious side to this problem as well.
i haven’t told very many people, but i’m hard of hearing.
and i know that will make trying to communicate even more difficult.

some days (like the day my oldest son moved away),
i don’t honestly think i can do this . . .
“am i crazy?!
i will be so far away from my boys!
i CANNOT move to another country!”

and then, after a week or so of emotional turmoil,
with enough time to think and feel and obsess
and worry and regret and analyze,
i realize i CAN do it.
and i WILL do it.

and i begin imagining life in italy once more.
in my villa.
mixing in our furniture, painting the walls, walking through each room.
in my village.
drinking cappuccinos, buying groceries with euros, waving to the new neighbors.

without a doubt, i’ll go through this entire process a million more times,
again and again,
before i move.

in 19 weeks.

only four and a half months left in the u.s.
and a super-packed summer schedule.
two trips, two sets of visitors, medical issues, qi gong training.
decluttering, clearing, consolidating, shipping.
etc etc etc.

a colleague of mine posted this quote on facebook a few weeks ago:
“living a meaningful life is not a popularity contest. if what you’re saying is always getting applause, you’re probably not yet doing the right stuff.” (marianne williamson)

i told her that i’d needed those words that day.
that i wasn’t getting much applause lately.

and she, supportive friend that she has become, said the following:
“i’m here, applauding you doing the right stuff, april. i know it is a heavy part of following your dream, but you are intended to do this and be a guide for others to break out and be free. i feel this in every part of me.”
thank you so much, sora.

and you know what?
i agree.
as i mentioned before, it’s what i’m meant to do.
and i feel it in every fiber of my being.
i need to hear my own applause.

courage is not simple or unaffected.
it is not fearless or without pain.
courage contains both light and dark.

and doing something HUGE doesn’t make you feel happy every second.
it doesn’t make you feel confident with each motion.
and it doesn’t make you feel invincible. ever.

but here i am.
edgy and excited, yet strangely peaceful at the same time.
with a hint-of-urgency and a dash-of-restlessness and a scattering-of-calm.

experiencing the full gamut of emotions.
because it’s going to be a wild ride.

and you know what else?
in spite of any negative aspects,
this italian adventure truly feels RIGHT.
 
 
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